Tears and Rain
by life.in.disguise
Summary: Post 2x06 "Into You Like A Train."  If life had taught Meredith anything it is that there are no such thing as new beginnings, just the life you have now and the one you left behind.  Five years ago Meredith made a choice and every day she pays for it.
1. Chapter One: Choices

****Author:** **adorkableisme**  
><strong>Rating:<strong> **M**  
><strong>Pairings:<strong> **Eventual MerDer**  
><strong>Summary:<strong> **Post 2x06 "Into You Like A Train." Five years ago Meredith made a choice, and every day she pays accordingly for its consequences.**  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> **I do not own Grey's Anatomy, all rights belong to ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

_**AN - So what does "Eventual MerDer" actually entail? Simple, this is a very complicated story, I am not here to torture the characters, but I have chosen a certain plot and I intend to play it out as realistically as possible. I am a huge MerDer fan at heart, and I like gooey fluff as much as anyone, but every now and then I like to get serious, and say "if this were real life, how would it play out if..." I know I'm being cagey and it's only because I'm trying to not spoil my story. But basically I will not be taking the "obvious" fluff route which many take when faced with this same themes dilemma. Now I shall leave you to ponder all that. The AN at the bottom will open up in proper detail with what you know so far, and you'll get a bit of a better idea as to what I'm saying here.  
><strong>_

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>  
><em>Choices<em>

_"In life every choice has an equal consequence. This I know only too well because even if our choices are made with only the best intentions, someone always suffers as a result. As they say, damned if you do and damned if you don't. I made the choice to run, to start over, but if life has taught me anything it's that there is no such thing as a new beginning, there's just the life you have now and the one you left behind. Five years ago I made a choice, and each day I pay accordingly with its consequences."_

Time changes a person, it had changed her, she wasn't the same person that the people who walked by her used to know, she was tanner, she was stronger, more confident, more sure of herself, and not to mention the fact that she was wearing a dress that she wouldn't have been caught dead in all those years ago.

_Yes_, she was different, she thought to herself. But some things _don't_ change, like the fact that she felt uncomfortable at these kinds of events and wasn't because of the dress, or the heels she wished she had not put on, but it was because at a benefit gala like this, she knew every single person in that room, was sucking up to somebody. Which leads back to the uncomfortable part, it's the fact that people always talk to her about her _amazing_ mother and then many questions ensue that she wished she could avoid. What made this even worse is that she was _here_, in the last place in the world she would rather be: Seattle.

Being in Seattle spelt disaster so here she stood next to an _overly_decorated pole in the ballroom, hoping to remain inconspicuous. Her husband had said he'd be back, opting to mingle with the other distinguished guests. She had politely declined when he had asked her to come with him, saying that she would rather just hide. He had simply laughed, kissed her cheek gently and promised her it would all be just fine.

_Oh_, if only he _knew_. She thought sarcastically, she loved her husband, but he can be so dense sometimes. He knew the truth; he knew what being in Seattle meant, perhaps he was just far more confident that their future was stable, that nothing, that _no one_would ever jeopardize that.

She holds dearly to the _hope_that they had all moved on, but as she stares directly into the shock-filled and betrayed eyes of the blonde across the room, she knew she was foolish to believe otherwise, and that all hell was about to break loose.

x x x

Izzie couldn't believe her eyes, but the truth was as clear as day to her as she took in the image before her of a little girl, no older than four, clinging to the bottom of the dress of someone she believed she would _never_see again.

"Iz, what's the matter?" Alex asked her, shaking her out of her reverie. But she didn't answer, unable to find the word's to explain her current shocked state. Alex's eyes trained to where his wife had been staring before and he couldn't believe his eyes.

"Is that Meredith?" Alex asked, completely taken off-guard. Everyone in the group trained their eyes over to the same direction. Also shocked to see their former friend and colleague across the room with a little girl clutching at her dress. They watched as she picked the little girl up and as a man they didn't recognize kiss them both. They watched as she smiled, as she laughed and how she held that little girl so lovingly.

Derek felt his heart ache, as he saw the love of his life in the arms of another man. It hurt; it hurt him so much that it couldn't be him.

Izzie gauged Derek's gaze as a tear spilled down her cheeks.

"She lied to me, Derek, she lied to me all this time."

_"As I said, every choice has an equal consequence, and it's the choices like these, the ones that haunt you, the ones that you do for the right reasons but at the expense of someone else, are the kinds of choices that when the fall-out comes, you will wish like hell you hadn't made in the first place."_

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><p><em><strong>AN - Like it? Hate it? I would like to know. I hope you are all brave enough to stick with me because trust me it will be so worth it. Now to open up a bit about my vague AN at the beginning of this chapter. So lets start with what you DO know so far.<strong>_

_**We know this is a post 2x06 "Into You Like A Train" fic. We know that Meredith has a husband (who isn't Derek), has a kid around 3, hasn't been back to Seattle in five years and made a choice five years ago that she pays for every day.**_

_**Ok, so just going off that, you now know I'm fiddling with the idea of Meredith leaving Seattle after Derek chooses Addison, something I had mentioned has been done before quite a bit. Now what I meant about this not taking the route of obvious fluff and making it real, this means that it's NOT going to be a story where MerDer get together real quick or cheat, or her husband dies or is an ass or something or other. I'm playing this as real as possible, and believe me you don't know the half of the situation yet. I won't be writing this story to appease our hearts desires, I'm writing this story based upon its reality.**_

_**Hope that helps, and again I really hope you all stick along for the ride, because trust me it will be worth it.**_

_**Mel  
><strong>_


	2. Chapter Two: Then You Become A Mother

****_**AN - Thanks for the lovely comments, here is chapter two.**_****

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><p><strong>Chapter Two<strong>_  
>Then You Become A Mother<em>

"_You think that true love is the only thing that can crush your heart; that will take your life and light it up or destroy it. Then you become a mother and from the moment that little baby is placed in your arms, you realise that nothing else matters."_

_September 28, 2005_

Her world was spinning and slowly falling apart. Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks but she stubbornly held them back as she rushed down the hall from a heated meeting with the chief. She felt like she couldn't breathe, the fear, the heartbreak, the humiliation, weighing upon her was just so crippling.

Each rushed step she took, the harder it was to hold her emotions back and as she rounded the corner she ran head on into Izzie. The folder Meredith had in her hands fell to the hospital floor, spilling its contents everywhere.

"I'm so sorry Mer, I wasn't looking where I was going." Izzie apologized profusely as she bent down to gather her things up, but froze as she saw two very alarming pieces of paper. She looked up at Meredith in shock.

"Mer?" She asked, her eyes not believing what they had seen. Meredith face contorted into a painful, hurt-filled, expression as she leaned against the wall of the corridor for support, unable to reign in her crippling emotions.

"Please?" Meredith begged, as the subdued tears finally fell down her face. "Please. Don't say anything." She begged. "Don't tell him or anyone else." She sobbed as she quickly gathered her papers up and stuffed them back into her folder. "Please…just do this for me?" She begged her desperately. Izzie felt like the world was spinning, as her mind processed what those two papers meant. She then desperately reached out and grabbed the sides of Meredith's face, tears streamed down Izzie's face as she begged Meredith with her eyes not to do this.

"Y-You can't." Izzie chocked out. Meredith shook her head, a shaky sob escaping her.

"P-Please try to understand, I just…I just can't be _here._" Meredith cried to her, willing her to understand that being _here_ was torture for her, it was _hell_.

"You can't just leave and not tell him…even _he _deserves better than that." Izzie exasperated to her. "He has a right to know, Meredith." Izzie begged her to see reason.

"In 48 hours time, there won't be anything left to tell him about." Meredith whispered to her adamantly as she pulled Izzie's hands from her face. Realization crossed Izzie's face.

"You're having an abortion." She whispered.

"Yes," Meredith answered solemnly. "Izzie, please promise me you will not tell him, or anyone, it's just better this way." She asked her desperately, tears still streaming down her face.

Izzie fought back her tears and nodded. Then hugged her furiously. Not wanting to ever let her go.

x x x

_Present Day_

A confused expression crossed Derek's pained face, not understanding what Izzie was trying to say.

"You have to understand." Izzie begged him. She knew that as soon as she told him he would probably hate her for it.

"Understand what?" Derek said, still confused.

"She made me promise to never tell you, and I agreed because she told me that she wasn't going to keep it." Izzie explained, as she wiped the tears from her face.

"What are you talking about Izzie?" Derek demanded.

"I ran into her that day, I found out by accident, I was _never_ meant to know, and then I saw the transfer and her labs, and she swore me to secrecy." Izzie explained, dropping her head to the ground, feeling ashamed for her part in this. Derek somehow in the back of his mind knew, but he couldn't believe it, _no_ he _wouldn't_ believe it until Izzie said it out loud.

"Izzie, what did she do?" Derek said evenly. Izzie was crying again as she looked at Derek apologetically.

"She was pregnant," Izzie choked out. "I agreed to never say anything because she was never intending on keeping it." Izzie said solemnly, watching as the betrayal formed across his face.

"The little girl." Derek whispered, shock starting to finally set in.

"Yes, she's yours, which means Meredith lied to me." Izzie said evenly. Derek could tell she was just as hurt as he was, he knew that Meredith never stayed in contact with anyone, she just disappeared. Derek glanced over to Cristina, knowing that beside him, she was hurting as well. Cristina took it the hardest when Meredith vanished into thin air.

Anger boiled within Derek as he clenched his hand into fist, wanting so much in this moment to just punch something, _anything_.

x x x

Meredith paced furiously across the living room of their room at the Archfield. She was absolutely _furious_ with her husband. Dan sat calmly in the armchair waiting for his wife to explode at him. He _knew_ she would be angry when she found out, but he also _knew_ it was for the best.

"You mean to tell me that the _only_ reason we came to this _stupid_ gala is because Richard offered you a job at Seattle Grace?" Meredith was volatile.

"No, Richard made me an offer I couldn't refuse." Dan said calmly, smiling wryly at his wife. Meredith scoffed at him at his audacity to joke at a time like this.

"Whatever, that isn't the point, I am your wife!" Meredith snapped. "What…you just didn't think that I had a _right_ to make this decision with you?" She yelled sarcastically.

"If I had told you, _you_ would have said no." He deadpanned.

"Of course I would have!" She growled.

"Exactly my point, _you_ would have said no, and _you_ and I both know that it is high time you let Olivianna meet her father and-"

"That wasn't your decision to make." Meredith snapped, cutting him off. Dan held his hands up in front of him in defense.

"True, but _you_ were never going to make that call, and I get it's because you are scared, but she's four, and she has a right to know her real father, just like he has the right to know he has a daughter." Dan reasoned, getting up from the armchair and taking his wife into his arms, Meredith fought him by pushing him away but he immediately wrapped his arms around her until she settled down and cried.

"He's going to hate me." She sobbed, grabbing onto Dan's shirt. Dan kissed the side of her head and stroked her hair gently.

"Maybe at first, but one day he'll understand." Dan whispered gently. "You know that being _here_ is the _right_ thing."

"I know, I just wish it all didn't have to be so painful." She said sadly, wiping the tears from her face.

"I know." He agreed as he leant down and kissed his wife gently. He leant his forehead against hers, stroking her back.

"I love you, you know that right?" Meredith smiled lovingly at him.

"I love you, too." Dan grinned before kissing her again much more passionately this time. She stood up and unzipped her dress, letting it fall to the ground seductively, revealing her skin toned lingerie. She leant down and kissed Dan and unbuttoned his shirt, rubbing her hands across his tight abs. Dan's tongue gained entrance into Meredith's mouth and they began their dance. Ridding each other of their remaining clothing, Dan lowered her back onto the ground as he started placing open-mouthed kisses down her neck, then through the valley of her breasts. He latched onto her left mound causing Meredith to moan appreciatively.

Dan sensuously feathered his fingers slowly across the apex of her thighs, before he plunged two fingers inside her sweet, hot cavern and pumping slowly. She moaned deeply again. Dan then let her breast go as he lowered down to suck on her clit. Meredith could feel the coil wind up in the pit of her stomach, begging for its release. She began to move her hips up and down Dan's fingers.

"Mmmm." She moaned, writhing underneath Dan's mouth. "Harder." She breathed out in a moan. Dan quickly complied adding a third finger and pushing deeper into her hot tight hole. Meredith started to furiously fuck his fingers wanting so desperately to cum. Dan took this as a sign to pick up the pace, he latched harder onto her clit causing her to scream just a little as he worked his fingers harder and faster. He could feel it coming, he knew her so well she screamed out in ecstasy as she came hard and he quickly replaced his fingers with his tongue, sucking up her sweet juices. He sucked his fingers off, unprepared as his wife rolled him over onto his back. She grinned as she took hold of his raging erection, rubbing up and down his shaft before hovering over him and slamming down on it. Dan groaned as Meredith started riding him hard and fast. He watched her breasts bouncing sexily and groaned at the sight of his cock buried deep within in her. He could feel that his release wasn't far off, as he felt his wife's walls clamp down around him, another orgasm imminent.

He took control and rolled them over; while remaining connected and slammed into her groaning as her pussy walls strangled his cock in appreciation. He moaned deeply as his wife began screaming in pleasure as she came hard and fast, her dam of cum dripping out her sex all over is raging cock. Dan lifted her legs over his shoulders and slammed into her harder, hitting her g-spot. Four strokes later he came, spilling his load inside her. Both panting, trying to catch their breaths, Dan leaned down and captured her lips into a searing kiss. He brushed her hair out of her eyes and stroked her cheek.

"I love you." He whispered as honest as a clear day. Her face broke into her trademark smile.

x x x

Derek sat slouched on his trailer couch with a scotch nursed in his hands. He felt dejected, betrayed and then there was the voice of reason in the back of his mind saying 'she was hurting.' But he just couldn't get past his anger to consider anything other than the surface fact that she hadn't told him he had a daughter.

"So, let me get this straight, Meredith was pregnant when she left Seattle, she was _supposed_ to get an abortion, but it appears she didn't, and you now have a daughter?" Mark mused, quite shocked.

"Yup, and she just _conveniently_ didn't tell me." Derek spat sarcastically.

"Ok man, I get that you're angry, but first you need to ascertain it actually is your kid, I mean you mentioned she's obviously married now, and second, if it is your kid, you have to hear her out, remember she left Seattle because of _you_, she has a side in this that you don't know, and you owe it to yourselves and that little girl to hear each other out." Mark reasoned with him. Derek threw his scotch at the wall, smashing it, as he stood up angrily.

"Hear her out? She left Seattle, Mark, took _my_ baby with her, and didn't tell me, what possible explanation does she have that even _justifies _that!" Derek yelled furiously at Mark. He was _supposed_ to be his friend, he was _supposed_ to be on his side, not _hers._

"I never said anything about her side of the story being _justifiable,_ I just meant that you two need to talk about this." Mark reasoned calmly, trying to calm Derek down.

"I don't want to hear it!" Derek retorted. Mark stood up staring Derek down.

"You don't have a choice, if that child is yours, they are a package deal, you can't form _any_ kind of bond with that kid until you talk to her and sort things out." Mark reasoned firmly. Derek scoffed.

"Since when did you get so wise?" His anger toning down.

"I know women _very_ well." Mark answered slyly. Derek groaned.

"You are a juvenile human being, and I am less of a person for knowing you." Derek chuckled, his anger thawing. For now, at least.

x x x

Meredith smiled brightly at her four-year-old-daughter who was coloring with her crayons on her bed, still in her PJ's

"Mommy!" She squealed. Meredith swooped down and picked her up and tickled her, she squealed in delight erupting into giggles. Meredith kissed her cheek multiple times before bringing her towards her wardrobe.

"Good morning, princess." Meredith said happily. Her daughter was her world; she made everything better. She also made her feel so guilty for being such a huge coward, she should have told Derek about her as soon as she was born. "So, remember how I told you about your Daddy?" Meredith asked gently.

"Daddy far far away." Olivianna answered, jumping around with her drawing.

"Yes, but Daddy isn't far far away now, he's here in Seattle." Meredith said evenly hugging her daughter from behind so she couldn't see her tears.

"Can I see Daddy?" She bounced, turning in Meredith's arms, her cute little face frowned at the sight of her Mother's face. "Mommy sad? Don't be sad Mommy." She says, hugging her.

"Mommy is ok, and yes, once I speak to your Daddy I'm sure he would love to meet you." Meredith said, pushing her tears away. "But first, lets get you dressed, your Dad and I need to go to the hospital we'll be working at soon and sign our contracts." Meredith explained, pulling out her white tights and yellow-sleeved dress. Dressing her quickly she takes her hand and goes to check on Dan.

"Are you ready to go?" Meredith says, motioning at the 9 o'clock hour.

"Yeah," He answered simply. "Good morning baby girl!" He said picking Olivianna up and twirling her around once and giving her a kiss before placing her back on the ground.

"I'm gonna meet my Daddy, Dad!" Olivianna squealed in delight. Meredith had told her so many stories about Derek; her daughter worshipped the ground he walked on.

"Really?" He questioned awkwardly to his wife. He wasn't expecting Meredith to move on this so fast.

"Yes, as soon as we are done with Richard I am going to go find him." Meredith answered swiftly, before walking out of the suite with Olivianna, leaving a quite stunned husband behind her. Dan couldn't help but worry about her, he knew this wouldn't be easy for her or anyone for that matter, he assumed she would take a week or so before talking to Derek. Dan couldn't help but feel a little unsettled. He _wanted_ this to happen, he loved Olivianna like his own, but he knew that it was wrong that Derek wasn't apart of her life. But a part of him, now that the moment was upon them, was terrified of losing his wife. After all, they had a child together, and he knew very well his wife had loved him, and a part of her always will.

x x x

It was a slow day for Derek. Of course it was, he mused bitterly, on the _very_ day he needed distraction, it had to be slow. So here he was, holed up in his office _trying_ to do paperwork. But he couldn't concentrate; his mind just kept drifting to that dark curly haired blue-green eyed little girl clutching at Meredith's dress last night. She did look remarkably like him, and her average age, it was just too coincidental for her _not _to be his.

His head jerked up at the sound of knocking on his office door.

"Come in." He murmured to the unwanted intruder. The door clicked open, and there stood before him in all her glory, Meredith Grey. She closed the door behind her, hesitating, unable to look Derek in the eye.

"I know she told you, and I…" She murmured, not knowing where to begin. Derek dropped his pen and leaned back in his chair, studying her intensely.

"Izzie said it, but I need to look me in the eye and say it to my face." He murmured, expressionless. Meredith gulped nervously. "Did you leave Seattle knowing you were pregnant with _my_ child?" He spoke in an even, yet dangerous tone.

Meredith looked Derek in the eye, shaking. "Yes." She answered guiltily.

"And were you _really _planning on having an abortion, or did you simply tell Izzie that so she wouldn't tell me?" He asked evenly, trying to keep his cool.

"Yes, I was, I went to the appointment, I was just about to kill my baby, and then I stopped them, I couldn't do it." She answered, wringing her hands nervously.

"Then, why didn't you tell me Meredith, I _had _a _right_ to know." He spat at her angrily.

"Don't you think that I don't _know_ that!" Meredith answered in frustration.

"Then why did you do it, what did you want to punish me for lying about Addison?" Derek snapped at her, standing up from his chair and resting his hands against the desk, trying to calm himself down.

"No! Because I knew the moment I decided to keep the baby that if I wanted to be _any_ kind of mother to her, I couldn't come back here!" Meredith answered, begging Derek to understand. "I was hurting, I was betrayed, I loved you, I loved you before I found out about your wife, and that doesn't go away just because she showed up or because you lied. If I had stayed, I would have been tortured, I had a lot of demons Derek, and if I was going to be a good mother, I had to help myself get better, and that meant being away from the one place which constantly reminds me of those demons-"

"You cut me out of her life, Meredith, do you get that!" Derek turned, yelling at her.

"I know what I did, Derek, and believe me the choice I made, I didn't take it lightly, and everyday when I look at my daughter I am reminded of the fact that you didn't know that she _even_ existed." Meredith said, so guiltily. "But I don't regret leaving, but I _do_ regret you not knowing her."

"Oh, cause that just makes this all so much better!" Derek snapped, glaring at Meredith. "She probably doesn't know about me, you run away with her, what else can I expect?" He growled.

"She does know about you." Meredith whispered.

"What?" Derek snapped.

"She knows about you Derek, I never kept the truth from her, I tell her about you all the time, in fact I'm pretty sure she believes you walk on water." Meredith chuckled a little.

"You told her?" He whispered, sitting down on his desk. Meredith sat beside him.

"Yes, I was never planning on keeping her from you, I just wanted to be sure that when I came back here I wouldn't crumble. That time came a long time ago; my reasons are no longer reasons anymore. I was mainly scared, I didn't want you to hate me, like I _know_ you hate me now." She whispered sadly. He wanted to not be angry with her, a part of him understood what she did and the sacrifice she made, but he just couldn't overlook the fact that no matter what her reasons were, she had cut him out of his daughter's life.

"I don't hate you, I wish I did, this would all be so much easier if I could just hate your guts!" Derek yelled in frustration. "I'm angry at you, I _hate_ that you have cut me out of my daughters life, but I cannot _hate _you, because no matter what, I still love you way to0 damn much!" He yelled like he was in pain.

"You love me?" Meredith asked, completely confused.

"Of course I do, I fell in love with you, why do you think I divorced Addison the moment I found out you had disappeared!"

"_It's the hardest job in the world, being a parent. You live in a constant state of fear, fear that you have made the wrong choices, fear that you haven't brought them up right, fear that you will disappoint them, and the truth is even when your child grows up and moves away, that constant state of fear never really goes away."_

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><p><em><em><em><strong>AN - I know, probably sex between another guy and Mer, probably all reeling from that, but like I said, this is not to appease the MerDer fluff in us all. As you can see she loves her husband, and I hate to break it to you all but Dan is obviously a good guy. I actually kind of feel sorry for him. He's the good guy who encourages the reunion, but he loves his wife so much he's afraid of losing her, he put that little girls needs before his own. He's a good guy.<strong>___


	3. Chapter Three: You Broke Me

**Chapter Three**_  
>You Broke Me<em>

"_Our past follows us everywhere, it holds us prisoner, only granting us the liberty of moving forward, and mocks us wherever we go. Just when you think you have outrun it, it catches right back up to you and just when you think you have reconciled with it, it has a nasty habit of proving you dead wrong."_

Meredith froze. She was shocked; she had honestly believed _all_ this time that he was still married to Addison.

"Y-You're not married to Addison?" Meredith stuttered out, still surprised at Derek's proclamation.

"I realized I had made a mistake, _I_ wanted to be the good guy, the _honorable_ guy, that's why I chose her, because honorable guys don't just throw eleven years of marriage away without giving it another shot." Derek admonished, getting up and pacing in front of Meredith in frustration and guilt. "And then, you were gone, just _gone_, and well there's truth in the saying 'you don't miss what you got until it is gone.'" Derek sighed, dejectedly. "I confronted Richard, but he wouldn't tell me where you were, he said to me that if I _really_ loved you, I'd let you go…"

"I reminded him that _he_ was the reason my childhood was practically destroyed and that he _owed_ me that much." She whispered, remembering that heated conversation.

"You made him promise to never tell anyone, didn't you?" Derek surmised.

"Yes." She answered simply. "I just wanted to disappear." She explained. Derek nodded curtly.

"I didn't even _try_ to make it work with Addison, as soon as you were gone I realized I loved you too, so I ended it with her, there was no sense in making us both miserable." He stated, grimly.

Both fell into an uncomfortable silence. Meredith stared at her feet and Derek faced away from her, both unable to look at the other. Derek turned to face her once more, but not making eye contact.

"I love you, I always will, but I _cannot_ look at you, I just can't…"

"I know, I can't look at me either." Meredith murmured.

"I want to see my daughter." He stated, a hint of demand edged his voice. Meredith knew he was _not_ asking and she _knew_ that she wasn't in a position to deny Derek anything.

"Dan and I are spending the day unpacking, but you could come by this evening." Meredith conceded. Derek nodded simply.

"I would like that, what time?" He asked, still unable to meet Meredith's eye, she knew it would be awhile before he could ever look the same way at her again. She sighed.

"Say, around five." She said, writing down the address and number before handing it to him.

"Ok." Derek replied quickly before turning on his heal and abruptly leaving his office. Meredith breathed in a deep shaky breath, Derek's hostility squashed her, but she knew full well that she deserved it. She took another breath in and calmed herself down, smoothing out her clothes as she stood up and left Derek's office, preparing herself for her next destination: her old home.

She had let her old friends stay in the house when she had left, she had a lawyer take care of the estate, made sure the yearly rates were paid on the house and maintenance was carried out. Their rent was paid to her lawyer, ensuring that none of them could track her down and find her. If they had found her…well she just knew it would be just too hard.

She parked her car and sat motionless, staring at her childhood home, the source to everything that made Meredith dark and twisty. This home stood as a reminder of _everything_ Meredith vowed _not_ to be as a mother. Some of that vow had been broken, but it had been broken with the best intentions. This house stood as a reminder as to why she made the choice to stay away in the first place. If she had come back after she had decided to keep Olivianna, her childhood memories may have very well became her daughters.

Meredith stepped out of the car and into the brisk air. She strode with purpose to the house, and took out the key that she hadn't touched in five years, opening the door. A part of her knew she probably should have knocked, but the other part of her told her that she didn't need to; this was _her_ house after all.

She could hear the arguing voices of Cristina and Izzie coming from the kitchen and made her way in that direction.

"You knew all this time why she left and what...you just didn't think to tell me?" Cristina angrily yelled at Izzie.

"She told me not to tell anyone, Cristina. Besides what could any of us have done, it's painfully obvious that she didn't _want_ to be found." Izzie argued back at Cristina. Cristina opened her mouth to argue back but stopped as she saw Meredith standing in the doorway to the kitchen.

"Hi." Meredith whispered meekly. Cristina and Izzie both stared at her, unable to speak. Meredith tapped the heels of her hands together nervously. "I, uh, I know I have a lot of explaining to do, and I, uh, know you probably don't want to hear any of it, and you probably won't ever forgive me, but I hope you can try, I have missed you guys _so_ much, I just-"

Cristina stood up and cut her off. "You're right, I'm not interested." Cristina snapped at her. She was so betrayed and hurt. She grabbed her jacket that was lying over the kitchen table chair and strode out of the room, slamming the front door behind her.

"She hates me." Meredith whispered sadly, tears forming in her eyes. She held them back, not wanting to break down; she had done that enough already.

"She just needs time, we all do." Izzie said, evenly. Meredith nodded, understandingly.

"I didn't lie to you, Izzie, at least not initially." Meredith said, honestly. "I really did plan on aborting the baby. But I was sitting there in the chair and suddenly I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill _my_ baby." She said, unable to fathom she could ever kill her baby in the first place.

"So why didn't you come back?" Izzie asked, her eyes filled with betrayal and hurt by her friend's actions.

"I wanted to be a good mother, I had _way_ too many demons, and if I had stayed, watching him with Addison…I wouldn't have gotten better, and she would have suffered as a result. I didn't want her to have my childhood, I didn't want to be a failure." She said, willing Izzie to understand.

"You wanted better for her." Izzie said, understanding. Meredith was about to agree but Izzie held her hand up to silence her, she left the room and went upstairs. Meredith let a lone tear leak down her face, misinterpreting Izzie's departure as her not wanting to speak to her anymore. Izzie appeared back in the kitchen moments later and held out a well-loved photograph to her. Meredith looked down at a little baby and glanced up at her Izzie confused. "Her name is Hannah, she's mine." Izzie said nostalgically.

"Izzie?" Meredith asked, shocked.

"I was sixteen and I got pregnant, my mom wanted me to keep her, but I knew even at sixteen that she deserved better than a life at a Chehalis trailer park with a mother who was still a child herself. I wanted better for her too." Izzie explained to her. She smiled at Meredith and nodded. "I gave her up for adoption, which meant I would _never_ get to be apart of her life, I made a sacrifice because I wanted better for her, just like you." Izzie had tears coming down her face, and she crossed the room and hugged Meredith. Meredith let the tears she had been holding back flow.

"I should have told him sooner, though." Meredith sobbed into Izzie's shirt.

"I know, but at least you have told him." Izzie consoled her.

"But what if I was wrong, what if running away makes me a bad mother?" Meredith said berating herself. Derek's face, his words, it all just made her second guess everything.

"I don't think you made the wrong decision, you're forgetting _why_ you left in the first place, you left because of _him_, and yeah to an extent, Derek has a right to be pissed that he missed out on knowing his daughter, but he has to realize, that _he_ is the reason you left in the first place," Izzie reasoned. "You have accepted the responsibility of your actions, now it is his turn. If he had chosen you, _you_ wouldn't have left-" Meredith put up her hands silencing her.

"How can Derek be expected to take responsibility when he had no idea about Olivianna, _ye_s I left because of him, but that-"

"You were leaving anyway, baby or no baby," Izzie cut her off. She sat Meredith down at the breakfast bar placing one hand on her shoulder. "He is the reason you left, he needs to take responsibility for his part in _all_ of this, because if it wasn't for the fact that he had lied about Addison, lead you on and then chose her,_ you_ would have never left Seattle and _you_ wouldn't be in this position in the first place." Izzie said, sadly. She realized that Meredith had been to hell and back everyday for the past five years.

"He may have been the reason I left, and I may have wanted better for her, but I still cut him out of her life, I'm still the bad guy here." Meredith shot back at her, the five years of guilt attacking her with a vengeance.

"So is he!" Izzie exasperated. "Like I said _you_ have taken responsibility for your part, _you_ acknowledge your part in all this, and _you_ are making amends, now it's _his_ turn, Meredith." She reasoned with her. Izzie could tell that all of this had come from her meeting with Derek. She gathered Meredith in her arms, despite the drama, she was so glad she was back.

"I missed you, I've missed everyone." Meredith said with a small smile, but then her expression fell.

"I have missed you, too, and so has everyone else, even if they aren't showing it," Izzie said, acknowledging Cristina's abrupt departure. "They will _all_ come around." Izzie promised, she was so sure of it.

"I have to go." Meredith said suddenly, standing up swiftly. "Derek is coming over this evening, and I have to help Dan unpack." Meredith explained. Izzie nodded, understandingly.

"I'll see you later?" Izzie asked. Meredith nodded.

"I'm not going anywhere." She promised.

x x x

Derek glanced down nervously at the address Meredith had given him earlier in the day as he stood in front of the stylish wooden door of a modern two-story house. He brought his hand up slowly, and fisted it, rapping twice on the white wooden double door. He waited for what felt like forever, but what instead was minutes as the door opened to reveal a tall muscular man.

"You must be Derek," He spoke kindly, held his hand out for Derek to shake. Derek took it and shook his hand rather stiffly. He stood aside and gestured for Derek to come inside. Derek followed in silence, his hands in his pockets of his black slacks, nervously. "Sorry, the place is a bit of a mess, we are still unpacking." He told Derek, motioning to the furniture still under white sheets. The room was modern, cream walls, open plan. It stood as an example of how much Meredith had obviously changed; this room was so very different to Meredith's classic Victorian childhood home. Derek stood awkwardly in the living room. "I'm Daniel, or Dan, by the way." Dan said, breaking the awkward silence. "Meredith is upstairs with Olivianna, I'll let her know you are here." Dan said, kindly, before walking up the white staircase. Derek paced quietly around the room before stopping abruptly, transfixed at the portrait of Meredith's wedding to Dan, she was gorgeous in her white dress, his arms wrapped around behind her, both staring at one another so _lovingly._ He wanted to stop looking, he _wanted_ to so badly, but he couldn't quite tear his eyes away.

"Hey." He heard Meredith's voice, breaking his reverie. He turned to see her standing at the bottom of the white staircase. Derek nodded in acknowledgement, unable to form words as he was still reeling from the wedding portrait. "She's upstairs." Meredith continued, gesturing for Derek to follow her.

Meredith led Derek down the hallway and into Olivianna's room. The walls were a pastel yellow, with white wooden paneling halfway up the wall. It was sunny and welcoming. He noticed the little girl, playing with dolls in the middle of the room. He watched in awe as Meredith knelt down next to her.

"Sweetie, can you put your dolls down for a moment?" Meredith asked Olivianna using a special sweet and motherly voice he was sure he only reserved for her. Olivianna obeyed her mother instantly. "Livvie, do you remember what we talked about this morning?" Meredith asked her, as she stroked her hair lovingly. Livvie nodded eagerly. Meredith then gestured for her to look up at Derek. "Livvie, this is your Daddy, " She said, giving her a kiss on the side of Livvie's cheek. "Can you say hello?" Meredith prodded gently. Livvie beamed at Derek excitedly."

Hi, Daddy!" She squealed, taking Derek by surprise, as she ran headlong into his arms, hugging him. Meredith couldn't help but smile broadly at the scene before her. She had imagined everyday, _this_ day.

"Hi." Derek responded in awe, finally being able to hold his daughter in his arms.

"I told you," Meredith grinned. "She thinks you walk on water." Meredith chuckled.

"Daddy will you play with me?" Livvie asked, clearly excited as she jumped up and down. Derek grinned, brushing her cheek gently with the back of his hand.

"I would love to." Derek said, smiling broadly at her. Livvie gave him a doll and she picked up another and brushed her hair. Meredith stood up and started to retreat from the room, wanting to give Derek some time alone with her.

"Mommy, where you going?" Livvie asked, curiously.

"I, uh, I'm going to get dinner sorted." Meredith said, a little awkwardly, she didn't know what exactly else to tell her little girl, she wouldn't understand the real reason she was leaving.

"Kay." Livvie responded, before quickly returning to her game with Derek. Meredith smiled wryly at how quickly her daughter's attention could be averted. She stood with her back to the closed door of her daughter's room, sighing deeply she headed down to the living room and continued to unpack boxes. She needed to be distracted, and unpacking worked well because before she knew it, it was seven o'clock and Meredith made her way back upstairs. She could hear peals of giggling from Olivianna, she pushed open her door to see Derek ticking Livvie, both red with laughter. Derek seemed to feel Meredith's presence and stopped.

"Time for bed, pumpkin." Meredith called to her. Olivianna groaned.

"But I'm not tired Mommy!" She complained. Meredith scoffed mocking her daughter.

"Oh really, so how come Mommy knows your lying?" Meredith deadpans to her.

"How do youuuuu know?" Olivianna says smartly.

"Cause I'm your Mommy, and I have super Mommy powers." Meredith said in a mock serious tone.

"Fine." Olivianna huffed. Derek couldn't help but grin at the scene before him. His daughter being a miss smarty pants.

"Hey don't you huff at me or you won't get a story!" Meredith scowled at her gently.

"Sorry Momma, can Daddy read me a story?" She asked sweetly. Meredith smiled.

"Of course he can, if he has time?" Meredith responded, picking her up and placing her under the covers of her bed.

"Of course I do." Derek said, smiling. Meredith didn't miss the edge in his voice. She cursed herself inwardly for her mistake, she hadn't meant for it to be taken that way, like he _didn't_ have time for his own daughter.

"Ok, well you better give me a good night kiss princess." Meredith said, putting a finger to the side of her cheek, cutely pouting. Olivianna kissed her and then Meredith swooped down and kissed her on both cheeks before whispering into her ear.

"Good night, sweet dreams." Before kissing her one final time on her forehead. Derek and Meredith turned at the clearing of a throat. Dan stood in the doorway, not wanting to intrude. Meredith immediately noticed his coat was on and he was carrying his briefcase. A frown crossed Meredith's face.

"Sorry to interrupt, but Richard called, apparently they had a girl come into the ER with a shard of glass in her heart, looks like it will be a difficult case and Dr Altman wants my help, so I have to go in." Dan explained quickly.

"Oh, ok." Meredith responded, surprised. Simply for the fact that they don't officially start at Seattle Grace until next Monday. Dan swiftly moved forward and kissed Olivianna on her forehead and tapping her nose with his index finger, to which Livvie giggled.

"Goodnight princess, I'll see you tomorrow." Dan promised. He turned to Meredith pecking her on the cheek. "Don't wait up, ok." Dan said.

"Ok." Meredith responded as she watched him quickly retreat from the room. Derek felt out of place watching the exchange before him. A part of him also wanted to rip Dan to shreds for touching _his_ daughter and kissing his…well the woman he loved. But the rational part in him obviously stopped him. Meredith got up and pulled a book from the shelf and handed it to Derek.

"I'll be downstairs." Meredith whispered, before leaving the room. A part of her felt like her daughter no longer wanted her now that Derek was here, but she quickly pushed away the silly thought, of course her daughter wanted Derek tonight, she had waited after all so long to meet him.

She pulled off the sheet of the couch and turned on the TV and stared. She wasn't really paying any attention to whatever was on, she was completely lost in her own thoughts, lost in a dark and twisty place of her mind, that she _swore_ she would never return to five years ago.

Meredith didn't have any grasp on time as she dwelled in her dark place. She was pulled from her thoughts as she heard Derek come downstairs.

"She's asleep." He whispered. Meredith nodded simply, still staring at the TV. Derek sat down on the other side of the couch.

"I want to legally recognize her as my daughter." Derek said evenly. Meredith was jolted from her stare at the TV and turned to face him.

"You are recognized legally as her father." Meredith responded, turning the TV off. Derek shook his head.

"She's Olivianna Grey, is she not?" Derek spoke coolly. Realization crept over Meredith's face as she _now_ understood what he wanted. He wasn't talking about her birth certificate.

"You want me to change her last name?" Meredith questioned weakly.

"Yes, I think it is only fair." Derek stated.

"Fair?" Meredith questioned. "Why does it matter?" Meredith asked, anger slightly edging her voice.

"She's my daughter, and you have had a part of her life that I haven't. I'll never get that back, so the _least_ you can do is let her have my last name." Derek snipped at her.

"She's not an item you can claim ownership of Derek!" Meredith growled incredulously.

"I know that!" He snapped back. "You're married Meredith, you are living this happy life. _You_ will get to see her everyday, and the _most_ I can hope for is weekends, and odd days during the week, I think you _owe_ me this much." Derek growled at her.

"Fine!" Meredith snapped. "But just to be clear, I don't owe you a damn thing Derek!" Meredith snapped at Derek in a subdued tone. Not wanting to wake her daughter.

"You don't _owe_ me anything! Are you kidding me!" Derek spat at her. "You have cut me out of my daughters life, god damn it!" He growled, incredulously. Meredith's face contorted in anger.

"You _kept_ yourself out of your daughters life!" Meredith snapped at him. Derek scoffed at her, not able to believe what she had just accused him of.

"I didn't know about her!" Derek shot back at her.

"I left Seattle because of _you_!" Meredith admonished. "I left Seattle because _you_ lied to me, because you pursued me, and made me fall in love you and then your wife shows up all leggy and fabulous and pulls the rug from beneath my feet!" Meredith ranted at him angrily, standing up in front of him. "I was in _love_ with _you_!" She chocked out to him, jabbing her index finger into his chest. Derek was taken aback by her outburst. "You basically promised me it was over, and then you chose _her_. You ripped me apart!" Meredith's voiced was laced with hurt, accusation and betrayal. Derek softened, guiltily.

"Mer-"

"No, you broke my _heart_, you ripped it out of my chest and trampled on it before putting it back in!" She cried, tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. "You, broke me." She accused. "You know, when I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the _rest_ of my life with. I was done! All the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cares! I was done! _You_ left _me_. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now and I make no apologies for how I decided to repair what _you_ broke. You don't get to say I _owe_ you anything, because _you_ played a part in this too, I'm not the only bad guy here!" Meredith yelled. She was hurting. I was like her wounds had been torn open again and they were stinging from the feeling of the cool air touching them.

"Meredith, I-" He began but Meredith cut him off angrily, as she stormed over to the front door and held it open.

"Get out!" She cried to him, tears streaming furiously down her face. Derek stared at his feet guiltily and complied. She slammed the door behind him. Meredith started sobbing in despair. She rested her back against the door before sliding to the ground; she was crumbling piece by piece. She started to hyperventilate and began gasping. She was in despair, and in pain, it was all just too much. She kept chocking, trying to breathe. She closed her eyes, trying to calm herself down. Taking deep slow breaths she managed to get a hold of herself. But the tears still flowed and she realized, she was _her_ again, and that terrified her.

"_Our past is our truth, it is after all not just moments in time, it is our feelings, our emotions, our inner-most desires, our pain all chronicled out over time. It only takes a moment in the present to relive the past, to resurface a pain so profound it brings us to our knees."_

* * *

><p><em><strong><strong><em>AN - I am incredibly proud of this chapter, mainly the last half of it. Some of you may be confused, there are parts where Derek says he loves her and is jealous of her husband having what he wants with her and then he's so angry with her also. This is because Derek is incredibly conflicted, as he said in the last chapter, he can't hate her because he loves her, but he hates that she cut him out of Olivianna's life. There's alot of emotions circling here, and believe me, alot left to be said, the wounds are not going to be closed anytime soon.<em>****_

__****_Oh, picture Dan as Josh Duhamel. Her husband is very hunky, he shall fit in well with the Dreamy Docs of Grace!_****_  
><em>


	4. Chapter Four: Use The Elevator

****_AN - First off I would just like to thank the beautiful comments I have gotten so far, they keep me writing and believing in my concept. Secondly, I have been made aware that I have made an error in Olivianna's age. Which is hilarious considering I meticulously counted it so many times. Clearly maths isn't my forte. Olivianna is supposed to be four, not three so I have amended this in previous chapters. I apologize for that, especially for those who have been imagining a three year old._****

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four<strong>_  
>Use The Elevator<em>

"_In the beginning of residency, we are told that In order to be a good surgeon we have to think like one. Emotions are messy, tuck them neatly away and step into a sterile OR, where the procedure is simple: Cut. Suture. Close. But the problem is, sometimes you are faced with a cut that rips wide open and cannot be closed."_

Meredith was lying on her side facing away from her sleeping husband. She was listless, staring into space. She had been like this the past two days, ever since her fight with Derek. He had called dozens of times, but she ignored his calls. The buzzer of the alarm blared, jarring Meredith out of her spacey state, as she reached out to silence the ear piercing sound which had disturbed the quiet. Dan stirred, rolling over; wrapping has arms around Meredith's middle and kissing her gently behind her ear.

"Morning." He murmured, his voice husky with sleep. Meredith gave a small smile.

"Hey." She whispered back, not turning around to kiss him like she normally would.

"You have been quiet all weekend, I'm worried." Dan expressed gently, a frown line prominent on his forehead. Meredith turned in his arms, drawing circles on his chest.

"I'm fine." She sighed, not looking up at him. Dan squeezed her lightly, tipping her head up with a finger underneath her chin.

"I thought we agreed that _fine_ wasn't a word anymore?" Dan joked wryly. Meredith giggled a little, before stopping and burying her head in Dan's chest.

"We had a fight." Meredith confessed to him. "Derek wants to have Livvie's last name changed to his, and he said things and I said things." She surmised.

"Well, I think that's a fair request." Dan shrugged casually. Meredith sighed.

"Yeah, I guess, I did agree to it when we argued." Meredith conceded.

"What did you say to him?" Dan asked, gently, not wanting to make her angry for prying or push her into talking about something she may not be ready to discuss.

"Everything," Meredith said, frustrated. "Every thought and feeling I _thought_ I had put behind me just came spewing out of my mouth like verbal diarrhea." She said as she rolled out of bed and stamping angrily to her closet to change. Dan rolled onto his back and placed his hands underneath his head and sighed, musing over what she had told him. His mind teased him, _this is the beginning of the end_, but he pushed the thought away, cursing himself inwardly for being so paranoid.

"I'm not really all that surprised." Dan called out to her causally. Meredith stuck her head out of the walk in wardrobe frowning.

"What?" Meredith exclaimed to him in confusion, before retreating into her closet again hurriedly.

"Look, I'm just saying that you guys are in a emotionally charged situation, he's hurting, _you're_ hurting, so you are bound to lash out at one another." Dan reasoned. Meredith burst out of the walk-in closet wearing a matching black lacey lingerie set with a pair of black tights, black singlet top, black ankle boots and an aquamarine cotton jacket in her hands. She deposited the clothing items on the end of the bed.

"I wasn't lashing out, well I guess I was, but it was all true." Meredith stated, breathlessly, as she pulled on her tights.

"Yeah, well, it's not like you have ever told him before how you felt, five years is a long time to be bottling that all up." Dan answered, amusedly, as he watched his wife stumble as she struggled to get her tights on while standing up.

"True, but it's not like I haven't told you how I felt about it all." She said, finally getting her tights on before sighing deeply as she stared at her husband helplessly, her expression asking him what she should do.

"Yeah, well, you can tell me and your friends how he hurt you until the cows come home but none of it matters until you tell the person responsible for making you feel that way in the first place." Dan reasoned to her. Meredith nodded meekly, agreeing.

"I guess you are right, I think a part of me has harbored that anger for five years, and that was as a good as a time as any to let it loose." Meredith concluded. She reached out for her black top before whipping Dan's feet playfully. "You should hurry up and get ready otherwise we are going to be late." She chided him, grinning. Dan bolted upright, grabbed his wife's elbows and yanked her onto the bed and pinned her underneath him. He grinned playfully at her.

"I. Am. A. Man. And you know very well that I take an eighth of the time it takes _you_ to get ready." Dan teased. Meredith took him by surprise, rolling him over so she was pinning him down. She leant down, putting her lips to his left ear.

"Oh, really." She whispered, seductively, as she kissed down his chest before hopping off of him and continuing to dress.

"Tease," Dan grinned at her. "Just for the record, babe, I look hot without even trying." He said, jokingly. Meredith had finished dressing and scoffed.

"Whatever you say baby, whatever _you_ say." She mocked, heading toward the bathroom, she turned her head back and winked at him playfully.

x x x

Derek and Mark walked quickly down the OR corridor and into OR 1, to consult on a patient. Derek grabbed out his torch and promptly examined the patient's pupils while Mark began examining the wound behind the patient's ear.

"So what _exactly_ did Grey say to you?" Mark asked, referring to their fight the other night.

"She said that I was the reason she had left." Derek surmised, a little distracted as he moved to check the patients nerve reaction with the patella hammer.

"Well I said that too." Mark responded as he began to suture the wound up having ascertained there was no further damage to the patient.

"Yeah, I know. She said I broke her, that she loved me and that she thought that I was the person she would spend the rest of her life with. But I lied, and pursued her anyway and led her on and chose Addison. _I'm_ the reason she left, and she said I bear some responsibility in all this." Derek explained, as he leant against the operating table, dejectedly.

"She has a point, man." Mark agreed, apologetically.

"I know, I hurt her so badly, _you_ should have seen her Mark." Derek said, turning around to face him. Mark finished up motioning to the nurse.

"Everything checks out fine, tell Hunt we'll both write a consult up for him later." Mark murmured to the nurse. He then led Derek out of the OR. "You both made mistakes, now you have to fix them, if not for yourselves but for your kid, she's the one on the middle of all this mess." Mark reasoned. Derek nodded, silently agreeing.

"I asked her to change her last name, you know." Derek stated, his voice thick with guilt. "That's what started the argument." Derek sighed at the stupidity of what he had said.

"She refused?" Mark asked.

"No. I just said she owed me that much and she said she didn't owe me anything. That's what started it." Derek surmised. Mark chuckled darkly.

"Yeah, smooth move brother." Mark said, clapping him across the back.

"Yeah, I know, I'm an idiot." Derek agreed.

"You're not an idiot man, you're just in a really complicated situation, and you're gonna say the wrong thing ten million times before you find the _right_ thing to say. All you can do at this point is apologize to her. " Mark shrugged.

"Yeah, that's if she _ever_ allows me to." Derek remarked, bitterly. Knowing Meredith, she would avoid him like the plague. Mark scoffed at him in amusement.

"Dude, seriously, have you lost _all_ your game." Mark jibed at him.

"What?" Derek remarked, quite confused. Mark grinned at him, sheepishly.

"Well aren't McDreamy moments in the elevator like your specialty or something?" Mark teased, clapping him again across the shoulder.

"And you wonder why Hahn thought _we_ were gay." Derek stated, wondering why he brought Mark home to his family in the first place.

"Hahn _was_ gay." Mark reasoned.

"What's your point?" Derek asked, amused.

"Use the _elevator_." Mark said as he winked at the nurse who had just walked by as he leaned against the nurse's station. Derek just rolled his eyes and walked away.

x x x

Izzie hovered next to Cristina as she was writing in he chart at the nurse's station, trying to gauge her attention.

"Cristina!" Izzie asked, frustrated. Cristina dropped her pen turned to her with one arm on her hip, eyeing Izzie with an irritated expression.

"You got something you want to say?" Cristina challenged.

"I'm sorry." Izzie apologized sincerely. Cristina just rolled her eyes at her and scoffed.

"If this is the part where you _try_ to convince me to hear her out, you can forget about it!" Cristina grumbled, snapping her chart closed as she walked to the other side of the counter, trying to make it clear to Izzie that she didn't want to talk to her any longer.

Cristina just didn't think Izzie got just how pissed she was at Meredith. She was her _person_, or at least she believed she was. Now she wasn't so sure, because people who are your person don't just up and leave you without an explanation.

Izzie strode over to Cristina, frustrated over Cristina's stubborn, obstinate, attitude. Cristina opened her mouth to silence her, but Izzie, snatched the chart out of her hand, chucked it onto the counter below, causing a dirty look from the nurse sitting behind the desk. She yanked Cristina by the arm and turned her around to face her. Cristina looked ready to kill her.

"No, you are going to listen!" Izzie spat. "You don't know what went down Cristina, so you don't get to judge her, _none_ of us do! Look, I'm not going to tell you what _exactly_ happened, because it's her story to tell, but just believe me when I tell you that she had a _good_ reason for all of this, and you just got to hear her out." Izzie pleased with her.

"I don't _have_ to do anything." Cristina spat at her.

"Actually you _do_," Izzie snapped right back. "She is the person that you called _your_ person, the person you stuck with through thick and thin, and she needs _you_, so get off your high-horse and _be_ her _person_! Because if you don't, one day soon you will _hate_ yourself for it." Izzie spoke evenly, making sure that she understood every facet of what she was saying.

Cristina grabbed her chart and began working again, not responding to Izzie. Alex spotted them and made his way over.

"Hey." He said, kissing Izzie on the cheek. "Everything ok?" Alex asked.

"Fine," Izzie murmured, but motioned her head towards Cristina. Alex understood immediately and leaned in to Izzie's ear.

"Well, what else can you expect?" Alex whispered. Izzie nodded. "She's back today, right?" He murmured.

"Yeah." Izzie whispered back, her head turning from side to side, taking in the crowd milling into the space before the stairs. "Am I missing something?" Izzie asked nobody in particular.

"Chief is introducing our new attending and fellow." Bailey answered in a clipped tone, as she stood beside Karev. Mark, Derek, Callie, Teddy and Arizona joined them also.

"You mean Seattle Grace's new power couple." Callie joked. "Rumor has it, she never changed her last name when she married Dr Weston." Callie shared, her eyes gleaming with satisfaction. Meredith's departure and recent arrival had pretty much soured everyone's opinion of her.

Cristina laughed sarcastically. "Ridin Momma Grey's surgical legacy, go figure." Cristina spat sarcastically.

"Cristina!" Izzie snapped at her. Cristina raised an eyebrow, daring her to challenge her. Izzie lurched forward ready to kick her ass. George appeared at that precise moment and grabbed Izzie along with Alex, holding her back. Cristina just shrugged.

"Don't bother, she'll come around, she's just stuck underneath her huge pile of wounded pride." George said, rolling his eyes at Cristina.

"Ooh look, Bambi so funny." Cristina teased sardonically.

Everyone turned to focus on the Chief as they heard him clearing his throat to get their attention. Standing beside him was Meredith and Dan, both dressed in navy blue scrubs and white lab coats.

"Thank you all for meeting here, I know you are all busy so I will make this brief. I'd like to officially introduce you all to our new Cardio attending Dr Daniel Weston and his wife, our new Neuro Fellow and former intern of Seattle Grace, Dr Meredith Grey. Dr Weston and Dr Grey join us permanently from Mass Gen Hospital, so please make them both feel welcome. That is all." The chief announced.

Everyone began walking away as soon as the Chief's announcement was over. April and Jackson made their way over to Izzie.

"So, So I don't know what your deal is with Dr Grey, but her husband is hot." April joked lightly. Ever since the dinner the Mercy Westers had been a little out of the loop, not really understanding what the big deal was. Izzie just gave April a dirty look and walked away, everybody else shrugged and followed suit.

"What did I say?" April asked Jackson, confused. She was _only_ joking after all.

x x x

Meredith stepped onto the elevator, impressed at herself thus far, as she managed to avoid Derek, which was quite a feat considering Derek had been trying to corner her all day. She had so far gotten two measly pages, one was for a concussion and the other to do a quick exam to clear a patient for surgery. So thus far, her game of cat and mouse with Derek was _seemingly_ becoming the highlight of her day.

Cristina was avoiding her, and shut her down every time she got near enough to try and talk to her. Everybody else seemed to understand, or was at least more _accepting_ then her, well that's not counting Callie and Co, people who didn't know her well enough to judge her, were _judging_ her. She mused that maybe that had a lot to do with the fact that they were friends with Derek.

The elevator chimed to announce its arrival to the second floor. Two nurses hopped on, and then got off on three. The door was about to close until an arm stopped it. The door retracted back to reveal Derek. Meredith moved to push past him, opting to take the stairs to the next floor, but Derek grabbed her before she could and walked her backwards in as the door closed behind them. Derek then moved to hit the emergency stop button.

"You're cornered now, and you don't have to say anything, just please listen." Derek pleaded with her. "I'm sorry, I never _ever_ meant to hurt you, Meredith, and I know I realized I loved you way too late, but I did _love_ you then and I still love you now, and if I could take what I did back, I would in a heartbeat. I know I bear some responsibility in you leaving, and the fact I never met my daughter, I _know_ that now." Derek confessed to her honestly. Meredith sighed, looking down at her feet.

"I'm sorry too." Meredith whispered, looking up at him. "I'm sorry for my part in this too." Meredith apologized.

"I know." Derek replied. "It's going to be hard, to trust one another again, but we have to try, Livvie is in the middle of all this. Us fighting, it isn't good for her." Derek surmised.

"I know, and I don't want to fight with you either, I just needed too…" She said, but breaking off, not knowing the words to express what she was feeling that night.

"To get it out there." Derek finished for her. Meredith nodded simply.

"I don't think she's going to forgive me." Meredith whispered sadly.

"Who. Cristina?" Derek asked.

"Yeah." She murmured. Derek leaned up against the back of the elevator, sighing.

"She took it pretty hard when you left, she's hurt, you two were pretty close." He murmured. "Have you tried talking to her?" Derek asked, sincerely.

"Yes, but she keeps walking away, I don't know what else to do." Meredith said in frustration. 'How can you explain yourself to a person if they won't listen,' she thought.

"You do what I do." Derek said, playfully grinning.

"Which is what?" Meredith asked, playing along.

"You use the _elevator_." He said, chuckling. Meredith giggled. He had missed the sound of her laugh. The sound chipped at his heart, knowing that those giggles would _never_ be his. Derek regarded her curiously. Meredith frowned, confused at why he was looking at her weirdly.

"What?" She asked, sharply, but not meaning to.

"I'm curious, why did you choose neuro as your specialty?" He asked, releasing the emergency stop button, he was genuinely interested; of all the specialties she could have chosen she had chosen _his_ specialty. Meredith smiled and cocked her head to the side.

"Do you remember our first case we worked on together?" Meredith asked him.

"Ahh, Katie Bryce, subarachnoid hemorrhage." Derek answered, swiftly. Meredith nodded.

"Do you remember after the surgery how I said that it was such a high, and that I didn't understand why people did drugs?" Meredith asked him. He nodded again, cocking his head to the side slightly, remembering how beautiful she had looked after that surgery. The doors to the elevator chimed open and Meredith walked out and then turned around, smiling broadly. "No other specialty _ever_ gave me that same high." She said, smiling broadly, she then turned to leave but Derek reached out to stop her, dragging her into an exam room.

Meredith loosened Derek's hold on her and was about to her open her mouth in protest, but Derek said something, which stopped her dead in her tracks:

"Mer, I have to know, do you still love me?"

"_There's a theory, that the more you think like a surgeon, the more you become one, and the more you become detached, clinical where cut, suture and close become your life. The problem is, the more you practice this theory the harder it becomes to turn it off, to remember what it again means to think like a human being."_

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><p><em><strong><em>AN - Dun, Dun, Dun! *insert dramatic music here*<br>_**_


	5. Chapter Five: Hope for the Hopeless

**_**_AN - So I'm totally stealing from Shonda with the title of this chapter, but I thought it went so well with a lot of the elements in the chapter and hints at the next chapter in a sense. I felt it was appropriate._** Thank you for the lovely comments from everyone thus far!_**

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><p><strong>Chapter Five<strong>_  
>Hope for the Hopeless<em>

"_Doctors make the worst patients because we know way too much. We know all the worst case scenario's, the statistics, and when we become the patients or the loved the ones of a patient, this information tends to send us a little crazy with fear. There's something to be said about not knowing a thing about medicine: it keeps you in the dark, because in the dark, there's still hope." _

Meredith stood dumbfounded in front of Derek. This wasn't a question she was expecting, just like she knew that the answer she would give would either leave him unsatisfied or completely heartbroken.

"I, uh, I." Meredith stuttered out. Derek cupped the sides of Meredith's face and stared at her expectantly. Meredith took a deep breath and placed her hands on Derek's slowly pulled them down to his sides. She never let his hands go as she looked into his eyes sadly. "I _wish_ I could say that I _loved_ you, as in past tense, but that would be a complete and total lie. A part of me _still_ loves you, and I think that just comes with the fact that we have a daughter together; she keeps that part of me alive. But my _husband_ is a good man, he loves me, he loves _our_ daughter and I _love_ my husband." She said, giving his hands a final squeeze before letting them go as she walked away from him and out of the room.

Derek exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding and dropped down onto the exam room bed. He raked a hand through his hair in frustration as he mulled over in his mind what Meredith's words meant. He was unsatisfied, but yet foolishly, he still _hoped_.

x x x

Meredith's mind was working in hyper-drive. Which in a way she _knew_ it was comforting to _not_ have to think about her conversation with Derek. But she then inwardly curses herself because this means she is avoiding. Which _means_ she was reverting back to the person she swore she would never be again. It was almost like she was taking this involuntary twelve-step program which takes her back to her "flighty, avoidance prone, non-committal, tequila drinking, tendencies to have sex with inappropriate men" self. Sighing as she walked down the corridor of the fourth floor with no particular destination in mind. She can't actually remember why she came to the fourth floor in the first place.

The sound of her pager interrupted her incessant inner musings. She glanced at it quickly, and headed promptly to the pediatric ward. She walked towards the nurses station to find out who had paged her, but was stopped by a curly blonde-haired surgeon, who immediately stuck her hand out for her to shake.

"Dr Grey, I'm Arizona Robbins, I'm the head of Pediatric Surgery, and I'm the one who paged." She said in a rush. Meredith noticed she was bubbly, bouncy, the kind of person she termed as "bright and shiny." Meredith shook her hand, putting a friendly smile on her face.

"Hi, nice to meet you." Meredith greeted her. Arizona nodded briefly again and gestured for Meredith to follow her.

"I have a patient, Lily Henderson, aged five. She came into the ER this morning presenting with grand mal seizures. We ran labs and I ordered a MRI. Her labs indicated that her LDH level was through the roof, which suggests that she has…" Arizona quickly explained, despite her bubbly nature Meredith could tell she was all business, and probably was one hell of a surgeon.

"A brain tumor." Meredith finished for her.

"Exactly. But the problem is the MRI shows no sign of a tumor." Arizona said, as she led Meredith into an X-Ray viewing room. She gestured up to Lily's MRI scans. Meredith stood closely, squinting her eyes and seeing Arizona's point. The scans were clean, no tumor.

"It's entirely possible that she has epilepsy or a seizure disorder and the LDH level could be something else entirely, like Mono. But if she's having seizures to that degree then the chances are very slim." Meredith explained, tapping her lips with her fingers as she considered different possibilities as to what was wrong with the patient.

"I could have paged Dr Shepherd, but a little birdy told me you were good, and I wanted to see that for myself." She said grinning happily. If she weren't such a nice person, Meredith might actually hate her for her peppiness.

"That little birdy wouldn't happen to be _my_ husband." Meredith asked, a little wryly.

"Actually no, it was Siobhan Kelley, we worked together a number of times." Arizona stated, pulling down Lily's MRI's. "She also told me that she and her twin sister went to school with you." Arizona prodded, wanting to learn more about Meredith, despite Callie's frostiness with Meredith because of the whole Derek situation, she wanted to decide for herself if she should like or dislike Meredith.

"Yeah we did." Meredith said, smiling kindly, inwardly laughing at the twin's interference, they were a meddling duo. Arizona handed Meredith the scans, labs and the chart and they walked out of the room.

"So, any ideas?" Arizona asked as they stopped outside Lily's room.

"Yeah. It's highly likely that the tumor is small and the MRI just didn't pick it up. What have you told the family?" Meredith asked, wanting to not repeat information and waste their time. She knew how a worried parent behaves, they want answers and they can get mean because they are so petrified.

"They know that she has an elevated LDH level, but I didn't go into specifics, I didn't want to worry them until I knew what I was dealing with." Arizona explained as she slid the door to the room open revealing to Meredith two very scared parents who looked like they hadn't slept in weeks and a little girl sleeping soundly in the hospital bed, the sheets and blankets dwarfing her and making her look even smaller than she probably was. Meredith's heart cracked a little, ever since she had had Olivianna, cases with children always affected her, even if just a little. "Mr and Mrs Henderson, this Dr Meredith Grey she is a Neuro Surgical Fellow and is here for a consult." Arizona announced to the tired parents, their eyes sparking up, hoping desperately that Meredith would finally offer them the deliverance from this hell on earth. Meredith shook hands with both of the weary parents.

"As Dr Robbins mentioned this morning, Lily's labs showed that she had an elevated LDH level and that combined with the grand mal seizures suggests that Lily has a brain tumor." Meredith explained. She knew how this worked, you offer parents or loved ones news and you can literally see every emotion played out on their faces, the more cases you have the more of an expert at predicting how a loved one will react. Fear crossed the expressions of the Henderson's eyes as they both turned their heads briefly to stare at their gorgeous little girl, wondering if she is going to die. The thought of a loved one dying pretty much crosses everyone's minds even if just briefly. "However, the MRI that Dr Robbins performed has not picked the tumor up." Meredith explained to the terrified patients. Meredith knew the next emotion, which would play on their faces before they even showed it. Hope. She hated having to squash hope.

"So does that mean there's no tumor." Mrs Henderson asked hopefully.

"There's a slim chance that Lily has a seizure disorder or epilepsy and the elevated LDH level is something else entirely, but like I said the chances are slim. It in all likelihood is a tumor which is so small that the MRI was unable to detect it, in which case we need to run more type specific tests, but in order to do those we need to know what part of the brain is seizing. So I will need to do some brain mapping and wait for Lily to seize again." Meredith explained as clearly as possible.

"You mean she has to go through this again." Mr Henderson asked, anger flooding his tone. She had expected that. Meredith understood their anguish.

"I know it seems extreme, and it is, but it is a necessary evil. Brain mapping allows me to map out what part of the brain is seizing. When Lily seizes it will appear on the monitor and I will be able to determine the position of the tumor so I can run the more specific tests and get a closer look." Meredith explained apologetically.

"Isn't there some way around this, I don't want my baby to go through this again." Mrs Henderson cried.

"If there were another way Mrs Henderson, I would do it in a heartbeat." Meredith apologized, kindly.

"It could take some time for Lily to seize again, you both should get something to eat and some rest." Arizona piped up. Both the parents shook their heads.

"We're fine, we just want to be with her." Mrs Henderson said, shaking her head defiantly as she sat down at the chair next to Lily's bed as she took the little girls hand. Her husband stood behind her and rubbed her shoulders soothingly.

"I understand that you want to be with her, but Dr Robbins is right, this could take time and you will be no use to your daughter if you are both somewhere in this hospital hooked up to IVs because you are sick with exhaustion." Meredith said, pleading with them to listen. "I understand, believe me, I do." Meredith murmured to them. "I'll stay with her, I need to be here to monitor the EEG." Meredith promised them. They both nodded in resignation. They followed Arizona out of the room. Meredith ducked her head out of the room and gestured an intern to come over to her.

"Hi, Dr…?" Meredith asked.

"Morgan Peterson." The intern finished for her

"Right, I need an intern, could you set up for brain mapping." Meredith ordered gently. The intern brightened up straight away. Meredith remembered that energetic excitement you felt when you were an intern, not that it had gone away for her, but it was that innate ability to get excited over the smallest things, sometimes she finds herself missing that.

"Sure, I'll go grab the equipment." She says excitedly, before shuffling away quickly.

"Where are my Mommy and Daddy?" A tiny voice called out from behind her. Meredith turned around and made her way over to Lily and smiled gently. She sat on the bed, taking note of Lily's heart rate.

"Hi Lily, I'm Dr Grey. Your Mommy and Daddy have gone to get some rest, they are very tired." Meredith explained sweetly. "Don't worry sweetie, I'm going to stay right here, and my intern is coming back and we are going to play dress up." Meredith said, grinning at her. This seemed to brighten up the little girl. Morgan shuffled into the room with a computer and beanie. Meredith took the beanie with the cords coming out of it and showed Lily. "This is a super special beanie, it maps your brain waves so I can tell where you are hurting." Meredith explained as she put the beanie on her head. Lily giggled, the sound softened Meredith's heart. Lily then yawned; obviously all the seizures were tiring her out. "You sleep munchkin, I'm not going anywhere." Meredith promised as she sat down with her back against the wall across the room, chart in her lap. Morgan continued to set up the monitor. Lily was out like a light in minutes and Morgan turned the monitor to Meredith so she could see it if she seizes.

"So now we wait?" Morgan asks.

"Yes, we wait. I'll have you paged when she seizes, and in the mean time check with Dr Robbins and see if she needs any assistance." Meredith told her, before opening Lily's chart and writing down her consult note. Morgan left the room quietly, leaving Meredith with her thoughts. Meredith charted as much as she could, but as the hour passed there was nothing more she could notate, she had doted her i's and crossed her t's. She set the chart aside and sighed as she glanced up at Lily's brain waves on the monitor. Meredith opened Lily's chart again and started memorizing her vitals, anything was better than thinking about Derek right now.

Nearby, Alex returned all his charts to the nurses station and at the corner of his eye he had noticed Meredith sitting on the floor of Lily's room. He smiled wryly, this reminded him of a time five years ago.

"Hiding out?" Alex asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Something like that." Meredith deadpanned. Alex snorted and sat down beside her.

"So, _who_ are you hiding from, Yang or Shepherd?" Alex asked, slightly amused. Alex had initially been attracted to Meredith, what man wouldn't be, Meredith was beautiful, but that attraction quickly tuned into a brother sister bond.

"Both, but mainly Derek." She murmured, sighing deeply. "He still loves me you know." Meredith stated, staring ahead.

"Yeah, I know." He said bumping Meredith's shoulder gently. "Do you still love him?" Alex asked.

"A part of me still does." Meredith admitted. "But I love my husband." Meredith quickly affirmed.

"Which begs the question, are you _in_ love with Shepherd?" Alex prodded gently.

"I honestly have no idea." Meredith admitted, turning her head to face Alex before laying her head on his shoulder. "How come you aren't angry at me?" Meredith asked suddenly.

"There was never anything to be angry for, your life was pretty freaking messed up back then. You know your mother with the Alzheimer's, your father clearing off when you were a kid and not to mention the Shepherd thing on top of all that, the way I see it, you get points for still breathing. So I knew that you must have had a pretty damn good reason, and honestly, who could blame you anyway." Alex said, snaking his arm around her back and rubbing the top of her arm reassuringly.

"Most people seem to blame me." Meredith pointed out.

"Most of which, are women, you chicks are too damn irrational." He joked. Meredith giggled.

"True." Meredith agreed. Alex's expression turned serious.

"The only people who have the right be angry in this situation are you, Derek and your husband." Alex surmised.

"I think Derek and I are through the worst of it." Meredith concluded. "Well at least the yelling stage." She added, quickly. Alex nodded.

"That's good. Your daughter is cute by the way." Alex said, smiling in his goofy way. Meredith grinned broadly. Alex could see that Meredith loved her daughter very much. Both fell into a comfortable silence.

The blaring of Lily's heart rate monitor jarred them both out of their thoughts. Both jumped into action, Alex grabbed the Lorazapam IM and Meredith monitored Lily's seizure on the EEG, her finger following the waves, ascertaining the location of Lily's tumor.

"Alex, hold off on the Lorazapam." Meredith ordered, abruptly, concentrating on the EEG monitor.

"She's having a Gran Mal Seizure, if I don't push the Lorazapam she's going to code!" Alex shouted at her. Meredith held her hand up to stall him.

"There. It's right there!" Meredith shouted while pointing at the EEG monitor. "Push the Lorazapam, now!" Meredith ordered. Alex did so immediately, shaking his head, not understanding Meredith's insistence in holding off on the drug.

"What on earth-" Alex started berating Meredith, but she cut him off abruptly.

"Lily has a small tumor which the MRI was unable to pick up, I needed her to seize in order to ascertain its location, I knew _exactly_ what I was doing Alex." Meredith assured him.

"Oh." Alex responded, feeling like an idiot. Berating himself inwardly because he knew Meredith would _never_ put a kid at risk unless she needed to. "So you know what tests to run now." Alex surmised.

"Yeah. Yeah I do." Meredith answered, but was more talking to herself then she was to Alex.

x x x

Dan pushed through the door of trauma room one, hurriedly, having been paged 911 only minutes earlier.

"What do we got?" He asked quickly as he took in the sight before him of a boy that couldn't be any more than 17, impaled on a tree. In fact he _looked_ more like a tree than anything else. Dan took the clipboard with the patient's details from the nurse, and glanced over it quickly before putting it down.

"Harley Hernandez, 17, was skate boarding down a hill and landed in a pile of tree trimmings." Dr Lexie Grey said, filling him in quickly. Dan moved forward, putting his stethoscope in his ears and listening to his lungs. He quickly snapped the stethoscope out of his ears and hung it around his neck as he checked the exit wound of the tree.

"I think our best bet is to operate around the tree, and then take it out piece by piece." Dan concluded. Dr Bailey nodded in agreement.

"Possibly looking at damage control." Bailey concluded.

"Let's get moving." Dr Shepherd interjected, as he began pushing the gurney. He truthfully didn't want to be in the same room as Dan, he irrationally hated the guy, he knew he was nice, and he rationally shouldn't hate him. But it's really hard to like someone who's sleeping with the woman that you love.

Derek sighed to himself, knowing that this was going to be one _long_ surgery.

x x x

"Ah, Dr Robbins, have you seen Dr Grey?" Dr Webber asked hurriedly, as he quickly made his way over to her.

"Yeah, she's in OR3 we are operating on Lily Henderson, I just came back from updating the parents, I'm going back in." Arizona answered swiftly as she entered the scrub room, with Richard following at her heels. He grabbed a mask and was getting ready to enter the OR. Arizona could see that the Chief looked worried and she stood in front of him and stared him down as best as she could. "Chief, what's going on?" Arizona asked, concern lacing her tone. Richard lowered his mask, glancing at Meredith briefly as she operated on Lily in the OR before them.

"Meredith's mother was admitted to the ER, she had a heart attack, Altman and Yang are getting ready to operate on her now." Richard explained in a subdued tone.

"And what, you're planning on telling her that while her hands on are on a five year old's brain." Arizona accused, trying to make Richard see that that would be a mistake of massive proportions.

"She needs to know." Richard interjected harshly.

"If you tell her now she will be distracted and one wrong move, one inch of a cut wrong and that little girl will die on her table. We are about thirty minutes off completion, as soon as we are done _I_ will tell her." Arizona affirmed to him, trying desperately to not cry. She had authority issues, a flaw Callie loved to tease her mercilessly about. Richard nodded, agreeing, and leaving abruptly. Arizona re-scrubbed in quickly and entered the OR. The scrub nurses gowned her and she stood next to Meredith, and took over the holding of a clamp from Bokey.

"How we doing?" Arizona asks, an impressive poker face marring her face.

"Good, we are just about done. She's a trooper." Meredith said, grinning behind her mask.

"That's the beauty of kids, they are resilient little things." Arizona agreed cheerfully. Silence followed soon after as everyone focused. All that could be heard was the light clinks of the surgical instruments, the sound of the ventilator and the beeping of the heart rate monitor.

Meredith placed her instruments down forty minutes later, sighing in relief that the little girl would live. Arizona turned to Meredith, sighing deeply; she knew she wouldn't take kindly that she had concealed her ailing mother from her for the benefit of the patient.

"Dr Grey, Dr Webber informed me that your mother was admitted to the ER just under an hour ago, she had a heart attack and is currently in surgery." Arizona explained guiltily. Meredith quickly turned toward her in surprise.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"_Many of the greatest Doctors have said that: 'You will never truly understand what a patient or a loved one of a patient is going through emotionally, until you are standing on their side and walking a mile in their shoes.' When you are on the other side of the fence, the only thing that separates you from everyone else is that they are in the dark while you remain in the torturous light."_

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><p><em><strong><strong><em>AN - *mysterious and dramatic music ensues* Things are going to be heating up! *readers minds instantly go to MerDer sex erotica* People! People! Get your minds out of the gutter, I was NOT referring to THAT kind of heating up...but hey, not that I'm opposed to that at all. *wink wink*<em>****_

_****_Reviews make me happy, I love reading your thoughts, so please do comment, even if its a couple of words or a big novel, I will read them all._****_

_****_Mel_****  
><em>


	6. Chapter Six: Let The World Stand Still

****_AN - Thank you for the latest comments. One thing I will point out with this story is that you need to really absorb every single word because if you don't your mind will misinterpret alot of things. Let's just put it this way, there are alot of clues that play out, and these clues if you pick them up, when you finally put them together, when the time comes (and you will know the time without me telling), will make so much sense!_****

_**I member at Surgical Language addressed a few points in a comment which I think everyone has brought up or is at least thinking about, and I'd like to address it and get it out there.**_

_**gladluvgrey - I've hinted at this a few times. Remember what Meredith said to Derek last chapter, it basically hints that there are two kinds of love, you can love people and be IN love with people. As far as Dan believes he only knows that a PART of Meredith loves Derek still. Even Meredith admitted that, but also that a huge part of that supposed love is because of their daughter, well at least Meredith believes that. Point is he just thinks that connection is still there, at this point in time he doesn't think there's much danger. There's a small voice in his head that's teasing him, this was in previous chapters, but he's pushing it away, he doesn't at this time fully believe that.**_

_**Just because Derek still loves Meredith, doesn't mean he WILL go after her. Derek is a pretty honorable guy on the marriage front, I mean he stayed with Addison didn't he? Maybe for a short time in my fic, but on the show he stayed with Addison awhile. Yeah he chased her with Finn, but Meredith wasn't married to the guy there. Vows, rings, marriage these are concepts that hold value to Derek. Meredith is very much the same.**_

_**So how they end up together...well you'll just have to keep on guessing.**_

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><p><strong>Chapter Six<strong>_  
>Let The World Stand Still<em>

"_The world always spins madly on. It doesn't stand still because we beg it to it just keeps on going. However, this doesn't stop you wishing the blue sky would match your mood, or that you wish that everyone could feel the same agonizing sadness you feel. But no matter how hard we wish, the universe clearly has other ideas. So instead we create our own dark world of darkness and despair, in the deep recesses of our minds, so that we can rewrite, what we feel, are the injustices of how the world works; this is how we grieve for a loved one we have lost."_

_One Hour Earlier_

Surgical chaos. That was the scene that was crafted before the residents, interns and attending's that were watching from the OR gallery at the boy that was termed as 'the tree.' Drs Bailey, Weston and Shepherd worked at a fast pace to save the boys life.

"Suction!" Dr Shepherd ordered with a slight edge of demand lacing his voice. The monitors began beeping, grabbing the attention of every surgeon and scrub nurse in the room, all whipping their heads in its direction.

"Damn it!" Dr Weston cursed, moving to crack open Harley's chest.

"What are you doing?" Dr Shepherd questioned him incredulously.

"He can't take much more of this, I need to get that fragmented piece of branch out of his heart before he codes." Snapping at Derek. "Ten-Blade!" He orders Bokey.

"Stop! I am working on the spine here, one wrong move and this boy is going to lose the ability to walk." Derek warned him, his tone scathing and dangerous.

"With all due _respect,_ Dr Shepherd, I don't think the patient is going to care if he can walk when he is _dead_." Dan argued incredulously back at Derek.

"I am about five minutes out, the patient can hold out for another five minutes, Weston." Derek growled at him as he continued operating.

"He doesn't have five minutes, Shepherd." Dan argued back.

"Oh really, is that your _professional_ opinion." Derek scoffed, sarcastically.

"I'm the cardio surgeon here, and if I say he doesn't have five minutes, he _doesn't_ have five minutes." Dan growled at him, taking the scalpel from Bokey.

"Put the scalpel down, Weston, I'm almost done!" Derek shouted at him.

"You put your scalpel down, Shepherd!" Dan shouted back at Derek. Green and Brown eyes were blazing at one another. Anger and hate charged the room.

"Put your scalpel down, right now!" Derek growled at him in a subdued, yet dangerous tone.

The OR door banged open behind them, but this went unnoticed by both the surgeons as they continued to stare each other down.

"You put the scalpel down!" Dan snapped at him, as he made the first incision down the middle of the patient's chest.

"Why don't you both just _whip_ one out so Bokey can measure!" The scathing voice of Cristina Yang filled the room, knocking both Derek and Dan out of their angered war with one another. Dr Bailey stared them both down in disgust, shaking her head at the stupidity of men.

"Couldn't had said it better myself, Yang." Bailey agreed, as she wordlessly mocked the two supercilious men. "You need something?" Bailey asked Cristina, sighing over the pathetic display she had just witnessed.

"Yeah. We need Shepherd in OR 4." Cristina explained as Dr Nelson entered the room and took Derek's instruments from him, effectively and wordlessly taking over. He held his instruments steadily, as he allowed Dan to crack the patient's chest and place the patient on bypass.

Derek turned around to face Cristina, not understanding why the hell he was just replaced in _his_ surgery. He raised his arms up, asking silently. 'what the hell.'

"Dr Ellis Grey was admitted into the ER…" Cristina began to explain.

"Is she ok?" Dan immediately demanded, cutting her off.

"It's not looking good. The nurses said they found her on the ground in her room, they assumed she had fallen out of bed, so we ran a CT, which came back negative and she showed no neurological symptoms when we worked her up, but her ICP has just elevated and her pupils are dilated." Cristina hurriedly explained, motioning for Derek to follow her.

"She definitely has bleed." Derek agreed as they rushed into OR 4. The scrub nurses rushed forward, grabbing the blue cloth covering his gloves to keep them sterile. Another scrub nurse stripped off his bloodied gloves and then held open a new pair of gloves, and while they did this, Derek took note of Ellis' elevating ICP.

"Alright, lets do some bur holes so we can alleviated the pressure on her brain." Derek surmised, more to himself than anyone else. "Ten-blade." He ordered, his voice strong, despite the nerves wracking his insides. This was a woman he could _not_ let die on his table. Derek expertly cut into the skin, making an inch long incision and exposing the skull. "Retract." Derek ordered the frazzled resident beside him. Who despite the clear nerves on her face, she didn't hesitate as she retracted. "Drill." He ordered, and a drill was immediately placed in his hand. Derek test the drill twice, the sound filled the semi-quiet OR. He then quickly but precisely drilled into the skull. Seconds later blood seeped through the skull. Derek was a talented surgeon, he was very instinctual and it occurred often enough that he could find a bleeder, without scans, on the first go. The ICP level began to decrease somewhat, but he noted that it was still very high. He knew he had to stop the bleed fast.

"We did all the tests, nothing turned up on the CT." Dr Altman said, she was defensive, wondering if she had stupidly missed something. Derek shook his head adamantly.

"The CT came back negative, she showed no neurological symptoms, you guys did _everything_ right. Its just the kind of bleed that you don't pick up on until it is too late." Derek reassured them as he continued to work on stopping the bleed.

"Is it too late?" Cristina asked, almost fearfully.

"I don't know." Derek murmured.

x x x

_Presently_

Meredith stood shell-shocked as she stared at Arizona. She couldn't believe what she had heard. She thought that she was _hearing_ things, that her eyes and ears were deceiving her.

"I'm sorry." Arizona apologized both guiltily and sadly. And that was all it took for Meredith to bolt out of the OR. Arizona was at a loss, she _had_ to go after her, but she couldn't because Lily hadn't been closed up and there was no senior resident to close, just a stunned intern. Arizona shook her before springing into action.

"Morgan, go after her, she can't enter that OR. I'll be behind you shortly." Arizona ordered her desperately, as she began to close Lily's brain up. Morgan nodded and tore off her gloves and surgical gown, depositing them in the bin before ran out the door. She couldn't see Meredith anywhere in sight, so she bolted down the hall and around the corner to the OR board, almost running into Meredith, who was staring at the OR schedule.

"Dr Grey?" She asked gently, not wanting her to bolt on her.

"It's real." Meredith murmured. Morgan awkwardly reached forward and grabbed her hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

"She's with a good team of surgeons, who I am sure are doing _everything_ they can." Morgan assured her. She tugged on her arm and pulled her away from the board and toward the elevator. Meredith was in a bit of a haze and willingly followed her. "Lets go get a coffee and wait for news." Morgan said gently.

"Ok." Meredith agreed willingly. They both strolled over to the coffee cart and both purchased a coffee and a sandwich. Meredith then made her way over to the waiting room chairs and threw herself into one. Morgan sat down beside her, trying to be supportive to the doctor she _barely_ knew.

"You know, we were expecting you to bolt into the OR." Morgan spoke suddenly after a moment's silence between the two.

"It crossed my mind." Meredith murmured. "But I don't really want to see her like that." She added as an afterthought. Morgan nodded, understandingly as she grabbed out her phone and texted Dr Yang that Meredith knew and was in the waiting room and then Dr Robbins, letting her know where they were.

A few minutes went by before Arizona found them and made her way over.

"Morgan, I've got it from here, can you go and run the post op and let the Henderson's know that the surgery went well and that we will be in to speak with them later." Arizona murmured to her. Morgan nodded and with a final encouraging smile to Meredith, she left. Arizona took Morgan's seat and took Meredith's hand in her own.

"A lot of people here have pre-conceived notions about you. Firstly, there's a lot of hype surrounding you, _ooh child of Ellis, isn't she so special_, and then secondly there is this notion that you must be this cold-hearted bitch because you took off with Dr Shepherd's daughter. My wife is one of these people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that people here tend to judge one another based upon the baseless and bottomless gossip that circulates; what I'm trying to say is that I'm _not_ that person." Arizona explains to her. Throughout this case, Arizona had begun to like Meredith more and more. Meredith turned her body slightly in the chair to face her, and gave her a small, but appreciative smile.

"So what _do_ you think about me now?" Meredith asked wryly.

"I think you are impressive and I think that you are only human. When we are hurting we make choices, we make mistakes. I don't think it makes you a bad person. I like you." Arizona surmised, squeezing her hand.

"Thank you." Meredith said gratefully. She was humbled that someone here was capable of _not_ judging her. Meredith found herself really and truly liking the bubbly blonde. She seemed like an honest and genuine person. Meredith sighed in frustration, wishing that someone would update her on her mother.

Another hour passed and Meredith had switched from sitting to pacing multiple times. She was now currently settled back into the uncomfortable waiting room chair. Arizona had dutifully sat by her new friends side, she had even rescheduled a number of her surgeries so she didn't have to leave her.

The elevator across the room chimed its arrival to their floor. Arizona noticed as the four weary surgeons of Drs Webber, Altman, Yang and Shepherd, stepped off the elevator. They quickly spotted them both and made their way over. Meredith finally noticed their approaching presence and immediately got to her feet and met them halfway.

"Is she ok?" Meredith immediately demanded. All the surgeons clammed up. Meredith hadn't noticed Derek at the back of the group until now. A frown of confusion crossed her tired features.

"Why is he here!" She demanded, gesturing toward Derek. "Would someone, please tell me what on earth is going on!" Meredith demanded, her voice elevating in volume. Cristina gulped down on the lump that had formed in her throat and stepped forward.

"Your mother was admitted to the ER presenting with signs of a heart attack, her condition was critical but she was holding on. The nurses informed us she was found on the ground in her room, so we ran a CT, which came back negative. She then coded shortly after. Dr Altman confirmed she was tearing through her aorta so we rushed her into surgery immediately. Shortly into the procedure your mother's ICP started elevating, I checked her pupils and they were dilated…" Cristina started explaining, she was robotic, almost cold. She reminded Meredith of her mother. Meredith held her hand up and silenced her.

"She had a delayed bleed." Meredith surmised, impatiently.

"Yes. Dr Shepherd came in and operated and was able to stop the bleed successfully. Dr Altman and I were also able to repair your mother's aorta and heart." Cristina finished explaining, but a pained expression came across her face and Meredith could see that she was swallowing a large lump in her throat. She _knew_ she was holding something back.

"What _aren't_ you telling me?" Meredith pressed, fearfully. Cristina turned to Derek and begged him with her eyes, pleading for him to finish. Silently telling him that she couldn't be the one to tell her. Derek sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair and stepped forward.

"The surgeries were successful, we did _everything_ right. But as Dr Bailey weaned your mother off the ventilator, she wasn't breathing on her own." Derek explained apologetically. Meredith slowly sat back down on the waiting room chair as the news sunk in. "She's in a coma. I'm _so_ sorry." He apologized. Derek felt terrible, he _wished_ there was something more he could do. He knew from five years ago that her relationship with her mother was troubled, but he also knew she loved Ellis anyway.

"Where is she?" Meredith murmured. Derek could tell that her depthless blue-green eyes were defiantly holding back her emotions. Her face masked her pain. An act that Meredith herself was so familiar with. She was brought up by the incessant speeches from her mother to _always_ be strong, tough and _never_ betray your emotions for to do so is to show weakness.

Derek gestured Meredith to follow him and he led her to her mother's room with everyone else following awkwardly behind. They stopped outside her mother's room and Meredith peered inside and watched her mother for a moment. She gazed at her face; her peaceful face. There was no pain on her features, truth be told, this was the _most_ relaxed she had ever seen her mother. She was always either angry, sad or in pain. Sure, she saw a laugh every once in awhile, but even her laugh or brief glimpse at happiness was laced with years of hate, contempt and hurt.

"She could wake up, Meredith." The Chief encouraged gently.

"Yes, I know. But if she does, _what_ does she have to look forward to? Nothing. Unless of course you count more years of pain, torture, memory loss and loss of motor function. She has absolutely _no_ future ahead of her. Even if they found a cure for Alzheimer's tomorrow, it's too late for _her_. And if she doesn't wake up it's inevitable that her organs will start shutting down, which is painful." Meredith said, ascertaining her reality before her, her voice beginning to crack as the emotions she was so _fiercely_ holding back were starting to seep through.

"Meredith." The Chief murmured, his voice containing a hint of desperate begging. After all these years, he _still_ loved Ellis very much, and he wasn't ready for what was before them. Meredith shook her head adamantly, her face dejected.

"I have watched my mother _suffer_ with this disease for _almost_ ten years now. I _won't_ let her suffer anymore. So, I think that the _kindest_ thing that I can do for my mother right now is to just _let_ her go…in _peace_." She said thickly, as a lone tear fell down her face. She wiped it away quickly and cleared her throat.

"Okay." Derek agreed, regarding her with a sad expression. As a neurosurgeon, he understood the difficulty of the decision she had just made. He watched her as she walked into her mother's room, sat by her bedside and took her hand. Derek turned to everyone and sighed. "I've got it from here, she doesn't need a crowd." Derek murmured as he ushered them away. Derek entered Ellis room and went around to the ventilator on the other side of the hospital bed. "Are you ready?" Derek whispered. Meredith looked up at him and then at her mother, she reached forward, sweeping a piece of hair that had fallen across her face, away, and kissed her forehead.

"Goodbye Mommy." Meredith whispered; Her voice – like that of a small child. Meredith held onto her mother's hand and then looked up at Derek and nodded. Derek turned and switched off the ventilator, he then snapped on gloves and took the tube out of Ellis' mouth and threw them away in the waste bin. The heart rate monitor started beeping and Derek quickly moved to turn the sound off on the monitor.

"I'll be just outside." Derek murmured. Meredith grabbed his arm as he passed. Her breathing was ragged.

"P-Please…don't go." She stuttered out. Derek nodded and stood behind her, placing his arms on her shoulders, rubbing them soothingly. "I-I…I don't want my mother to die alone!" Meredith cried, as the tears seeped down her face. Her breathing more ragged, Derek could see she was hyperventilating and immediately got down on his knees and took Meredith into his arms. She clasped onto the front of Derek's scrubs and sobbed as her other hand still clasped her mother's. Derek rocked her, kissing her forehead every now and then.

"Just breathe." He soothed. "I'm right here." He promised her. Derek glanced up and noticed the heart rate monitor flat line, signifying that one of surgery's greatest was in fact _gone_.

After awhile Meredith's breathing slowed down and her death grip on the front of his scrubs lessened. She lifted her head from his embrace and looked up at him, tears still glistening in her eyes.

"Thank you." She said gratefully. Derek nodded wiping her tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

"Do you want me to pull your husband from surgery?" Derek asked her, his voice thick, trying not to betray his feelings about the man.

"No, it's ok. I'll see him later. But do you think you could go get Liv for me?" She asked as she sniffled a little.

"Sure. I'll page you when I have her, I think its best she doesn't see this." He said, motioning to Ellis' body. Meredith simply nodded as she disentangled herself from Derek. Derek kissed the side of her head and left the room.

Cristina had watched the exchanged between Meredith and Derek. She may not have seen Meredith for the past five years but even _she_ could see the difference between how Meredith looked at Derek and how she looked at her Dan. She looked at Derek like there was nobody else in the room, like nobody existed in the world but them. Problem is; she knew that it wasn't that Meredith _wasn't_ aware of this; it was that she _didn't_ want to be aware of it. Cristina casually walked into the room, hands in her lab coat pocket. Meredith seemingly hadn't her.

"I'm sorry about your Mom." Cristina offered, rather awkwardly. Meredith turned toward her. She had shed her last tear for now, but her face was red and puffy.

"Thanks." Meredith murmured, looking down at her feet.

"You know, I would have went with you...I _would_ have." Cristina stated. In _fact_, stating the obvious.

"I know. That's precisely _why_ I didn't tell you. I didn't want to be responsible for derailing your career." Meredith reasoned.

"I still would have." Cristina shot right back. Meredith couldn't help but smile.

"I know." She said nodding. They were each other's person; they would do anything for one another.

"Come on." Cristina gestured for her to get up. "There's nothing more you can do here." She said matter-of-factly. She leaned over and closed Ellis' eyes and pulled the sheet over her head. "Coffee?" Cristina offered.

"Yeah, sounds good." She agreed gratefully, the presence of her dead mother's body was crippling her. Her pager then sounded off. "That's Derek." She said as she looked around and spotted him and Liv at the nurse's station. Olivianna spotted Meredith as well and ran excitedly up to her.

"Mommy!" She squealed. Meredith got down on her knees and hugged her daughter like she was a lifeline. She then picked her up and faced Cristina.

"Olivianna this is your Aunt Cristina," Meredith said to her as she gestured with her hand to Cristina. "Cristina, this is Olivianna." She said pointing adorably at her daughter. Cristina scoffed and grinned.

"Huh, she really is the spawn of McDreamy." She teased. Meredith playfully punched Cristina in the arm.

"Hey, spawn isn't a nice word." Meredith fake reprimanded her. Derek watched the exchange in amazement. He hadn't dreamed that Ellis' death would be the catalyst that brought Cristina and Meredith back together. It was if no time had passed; as if there never was a rift between them in the first place. Derek casually approached them, not wanting to intrude.

"Say hi to Cristina." Meredith said sweetly, reminding her daughter of her manners.

"Hi Aunt Cristina." She said, giggling.

"Oh god, I think I might puke." Cristina said sarcastically. "She's _just_ like him." She said, regarding her seriously.

"I would think that as a _good_ think, Yang." Derek joked lightly. Cristina snorted.

"The world _barely_ handles the one McDreamy, let alone two!" She scoffed at him. Meredith couldn't help but laugh. Cristina then stared Meredith down; most would think she was serious if Meredith didn't actually _know_ her better. "She's like McDreamy Jr. You _know_ just the female version. You two better lock this one up or carry a shot gun, boys are going to be fawning _all_ over this one." She said matter-of-factly.

"My daughter is smart, she will know better to go near any boys." Derek stated smugly. Meredith sniggered.

"Clearly you haven't met _you_. Women fawn all over you. Remember that time you took me to dinner? That big busted waitress practically shoved her breasts in your face." Meredith reminded him wryly.

"Oh yeah," he said, _finally_ clueing in. "She was a little obvious, huh?" He agreed. Meredith cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow. "Ok, we're locking her up, I'd do the shot gun but I _really_ don't like guns." He said, a sadness creeping into his eyes that didn't go unnoticed by Meredith. She made a mental note to one day ask him about that.

"Mer!" Dan called to her as he rushed down the corridor. He hugged her, kissed her forehead and Livvie's. "How's your Mom?" He asked, clearly worried.

"She, uh, she's…" Meredith stuttered, the sad moment, which had disappeared while she had been bantering with Cristina and Derek slowly creped back.

"Oh, Mer?" He asked her, sadly. Meredith just simply nodded. Dan kissed her and then pulled away leaning her head against her. "What happened?" He prodded gently.

"Everything went fine, but she went into a coma, the bleed had done damage, obviously. I took her off life support." Meredith explained, tears glistening again in her eyes.

"Oh baby, why didn't you page me, I _would_ have been there?" He asked, hugging her tightly. Meredith put Olivianna down.

"You were in surgery, you were _needed_ there." Meredith reasoned.

"And _you_ needed me here." He murmured his wife had martyred herself for the good of someone else; it was so typically Meredith.

"It's ok. I wasn't alone, Derek was with me." Meredith assured him. Dan smiled but he was anything but assured. He hugged his wife again and over his shoulder he glared at Derek. He believed that his wife would _never_ be unfaithful to him, she loved him, but after his argument with Derek in the OR today he wasn't at all certain he wouldn't make a move on his wife.

"So, my shift is finished now, is it ok if I take my _daughter_ to the park?" Derek asked Meredith, she had obviously missed Derek's jab at Dan.

"Yeah sure." Meredith agreed immediately. "In fact, why don't you take her for the night." Meredith suggested as she handed her a copy of her house key.

"I'd love to, need some time?" Derek asked, he understood she just wanted to be alone with her husband. As much as he hated it, he was glad she wouldn't be alone.

"Yeah, and I just, _you_ know." She murmured. Derek nodded.

"Got it." He said. "Come on sweetie." Derek grinned at her, taking her hand. Olivianna looked excited as she bounced along next to Derek. She turned her head back over her shoulder so she could see her mother as she retreated.

"Bye Mommy!" She called to her as she waved. Meredith beamed and waved back.

Cristina took note of the whole exchange before her; not missing a thing. She turned to Meredith.

"Would you like to get a few drinks at Joe's?" Cristina asked her.

"Sure." She agreed as she turned to Dan. "That ok with you, I think I might need a little _me_ time?" Meredith asked him, begging him with her eyes to not take it personally.

"Sure, just be safe." He sad smiling as he pecked her on the lips before walking away to attend to his patients.

"Always am." She called after his retreating form. Meredith heard Cristina tsk beside her. "What?" Meredith asked, her face laced with confusion.

"You have some _serious _explaining to do." Cristina deadpanned.

"_While grief will forever haunt us, its sister death has an uncanny ability to put our lives in perspective. When someone we love dies, we are reminded just how precious and short life is. All we get are moments. That's it. Life is fleeting. So, did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you.' Did you say it? Drink it all in, appreciate it. Because the truth is, it might be all gone tomorrow."_

* * *

><p><em><strong><em>AN - I felt the reunion of Cristina and Meredith would be brought together by a crucial even that didn't involve a big speech from Meredith. They are just not that kind of women. As Cristina said in 1x01:<em>**_

_**Dr. Cristina Yang: We don't have to do that thing, where you know, I say something, then you say something, and somebody cries, and there's like a moment...**_  
><em><strong>Dr. Meredith Grey: Yuck.<strong>_

_**They are pretty simple folks, they get one another without the big speeches. As for Meredith's mother, personally as hard as it would be, if it were my mother I would have made the same decision, it was an act of mercy.**_

_**So alot happened this chapter, we have Derek and Dan not liking each other all that much and the moment between Meredith and Derek as her mother died. As much as Dan is her husband I just felt it had to be a Meredith and Derek moment, he was the first person she told about her mother's illness, it was only fitting she shared that moment with him.**_

_**Most importantly, Cristina is going to McName Danny next chapter, she'll start with McHubby, but that's a little awkward for everyone else to call him, so ideas?**_

_**Mel**_


	7. Chapter Seven: Denial

****_AN - Thank you for the comments last chapter, they keep me writing. I hope this update gives you a new insight of hope._****

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Seven<strong>_  
>Denial<em>

"_When I was a little girl, I used to play pretend. I would pretend that I was happy; skipping around the yard in my little blue dress, pretending my mother had bought it for me. I would pretend that my mother loved me; doted upon me and my father was away at the war; a hero. I lived in a land known as denial, because denial was so much better than the awful truth."_

Cristina had remained smugly quiet since her grilling statement moments ago; her silence frustrating Meredith, as she wanted to know what on earth she had meant by it. Cristina on the other hand was rather enjoying watching her squirm as she knocked back another shot of tequila. Meredith grabbed the shot of tequila that was just placed in front of her by Joe and drank it swiftly.

"Hey!" Cristina said, throwing Meredith a glare.

"Hey? Hey? That's all I get. You say weird things and all I get is a hey!" She growled at her. Cristina stole one of Meredith shots and downed it, and scoffed at her.

"What are you blind." Cristina accused blatantly. To her it was so _very_ obvious.

"What?" Meredith snapped. Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Do I have to spell it out?" Cristina groaned.

"_What!_" Meredith exasperated; tired of Cristina being so vague.

"Wow, you _really_ don't know, _do_ you," She stated in mock surprise, shaking her head. "You and McDreamy!" She deadpanned, pointing out what was only _clearly_ only obvious to her.

"What about Derek and I?" Meredith replied, nonchalantly.

"You are _still_ in love with him!" Cristina accused. Meredith chocked on the tequila she was drinking.

"Excuse me!" Meredith spat at out.

"You heard me." She deadpanned.

"I am_ not_ in love with Derek, I'm married!" Meredith replied, incredulously. Cristina shook her head in amusement.

"Oh _really_, and that banter between you two and the sex in _both_ of your eyes, I was just _imagining_ that." Cristina scoffed at her sarcastically.

"There's nothing going on between Derek and I, we are…well I don't know if we are friends _yet_…oh, we are co-parents, yes, that's right, _co-parents_." Meredith rambled in response, swiftly defending herself.

"Uh-huh." Cristina replied disbelievingly.

"Just because we have a child together doesn't _mean_ anything is or _will_ happen between us. I'm happily married." She defended herself, growing deeply annoyed by Cristina's accusations.

"Who _exactly_ are _you_ trying to convince here?" Cristina deadpanned, raising an eyebrow.

"You!" She snapped.

"Oh ok…_sure_." Cristina teased.

"I'm not-" She began before Cristina held up her hands in surrender.

"OK!" Cristina conceded. "Oh, but you should know that McDreamy and McHubby were having it out in the OR today." She stated as she drank another shot of tequila.

"McHubby…_seriously_ Cristina…wait, what?" Meredith rambled.

"I already dubbed him as McGleamy. McHubby and McClueless are for casual conversation _only_, or if the mood suits." Cristina stated matter-of-factly.

"Cristina!" Meredith admonished.

"He reminds me of a hot, muscly, oiled-up model in porno magazines…that's why he's McGleamy." She mused as she leaned on her elbows on the bar counter-top, with a wistful expression on her face as she sighed. Meredith rolled her eyes, she was well aware of her husband's appeal.

"Cristina, what happened?" Meredith pressed. Cristina was jarred from her reverie and she turned to face Meredith waving her off.

"They were being all macho passive aggressive, fighting over a patient." She said casually. "No big deal, it's to be expected, McDreamy still loves you and McGleamy is treading all over his territory." She said, shrugging.

"Technically it's McGleamy's territory." Meredith deadpanned, motioning up and down her body.

"Yeah well, he's male, he's too _stupid_ to realize that." Cristina replied waving her off, the alcohol starting to set in both women. A comfortable silence fell between them. Meredith circled her finger around the rim of her shot glass, staring straight ahead, a nagging sadness she had been fighting again setting in.

Noticing her distracted demeanor, Cristina placed her hand on her shoulder in comfort. Meredith offered her a small smile in return before throwing her head back and drowning her shot swiftly and slamming the glass upside down on the bar. She sighed, the weight of everything just weighing her down.

"She's _was_ a crappy mother you know, she was _never_ there for me. I uh don't even know _why_ I care." She agonized, feeling like she was a glutton for punishment. It was just so typical Meredith, to love the things that don't love you in return. Cristina moved her stool closer to Meredith and sighed.

"She was your mother." Cristina replied, shrugging. "My mother is well, you _know_ how she is, but if she died tomorrow, I'd be upset, because she's my Mother. Nothing they say or you say ever changes that." She mused.

"Even if you were biggest mistake of their life?" Meredith resigned.

"Even then." Cristina agreed. "Joe, we're going to need another round." She called to Joe and promptly came over to pour them four more shots each. Meredith shot back all four without hesitation and then suddenly laughed.

"Ok, ok. One question, _porno_ magazines?" Meredith accused, humor glimmering in her eyes. Cristina just rolled her eyes.

"Oh, come _on_, as if _you_ haven't looked at one before." She scoffed. Meredith giggled giddily.

"Ok, I have once or twice," She conceded. "My husband is hot, huh!" She winked at Cristina, who just snorted.

"Is he good? I mean he looks like he would be good." Cristina grilled in reply. Meredith raised her eyebrows and put her hand on her hip suggestively, as if to say _'what do you think?'_ "Oh, now I _really_ hate you!" Cristina retorted sarcastically. Meredith broke into a fit of laughter.

x x x

Meredith stumbled out of the cab, almost tripping over the curb. She walked jaggedly to her door, fumbling with the keys in the lock. She finally opened the door and fell through it, giggling as she went. She heard a snort of laughter come from in front of her and lifted her head to find her husband sitting in an armchair reading the latest Annals of Cardio-Thoracic Surgery.

"Naw, were _you_ waiting up for me?" She slurred to him, as she walked over to him, stumbling. Dan just chuckled at his legless wife in response.

"I was worried, I wanted to wait up." Dan replied as he regarded her seriously. "You're drunk." He deadpanned, stating obvious.

"Mmmmmm, just a little." Meredith murmured, motioning with her thumb and index fingers, as she pouted and stumbled toward him. She straddled him on the chair, running her hands through either sides of his hair. Dan threw his magazine aside and placed his hands on the sides of her hips. He brushed her hair out of her eyes and tucked a strand behind her ear. Meredith didn't answer she just leant in and kissed him. It wasn't a quick kiss, or one of passion. But that of a kiss that screamed of need. Dan pulled away, breathless. "Baby, no." He soothed as he leaned his forehead against hers. "I won't take advantage of you when you are upset." He murmured. Dan was worried about his wife's emotional mental state; he didn't want to do something that she may resent him for tomorrow.

"It's not taking advantage, when I'm you wife." She retorted as she gyrated her hips into his growing member within in the confines of his boxes.

"Mer…" He warned. A lone tear leaked down her face.

"Please. I just _want_ to forget. Just tonight. _Please_." Meredith begged him, her expression helpless. She was hurting and she just wanted it all, _everything_ to just go away.

"Ok." Dan finally agreed as he scooped her up and carried her upstairs to their room. He laid her gently on their bed and stood up and took off his shirt before leaning over her and kissing her softly. Meredith didn't want soft tonight, she didn't _want_ to make love. She wanted pure, unadulterated sex. Fast, hard, sex. This wasn't about love; this was about the _need_ to forget everything.

Meredith took control and flipped him over, ripping her top off over her head and swooping down to kiss him, her tongue entering his mouth, invading every part of his hot cavern. She simultaneously ripped off his boxes and then stood up and stripped off the remainder of her clothing before hovering over him again. She kissed up his body before capturing his lips in another hungry kiss. Dan wrapped his arms around her back giving into exactly what she wanted. She then sat up again and slammed herself straight down on his straining cock. There was no foreplay, no stroking of the ego, this was about _using_ one another to fulfill a primal _need_.

Dan groaned at the feel of her pussy strangling his cock. He flipped them over, pushing her legs in line with her head and slamming into her ferociously. Meredith moaned in ecstasy, her tiny body writhing beneath him.

"Oh Danny." She moaned as she swung her legs back up and wrapped them tightly around his back. She thrust her body up to meet his powerful thrusts. "Mmmm, harder baby." She mewled. Dan pulled out, swiftly. Meredith was about to protest but he flipped her over onto her stomach and pulled her hips up towards him and slammed back in. "Oh-mmmmm." She squealed. Dan felt like he would lose it any moment as he watched himself retreat in and out of her hot tight hole, so he pulled her up into a sitting position, her back touching his chest. He kissed and nipped the side of her neck as he continued to pump into her. It was a difficult position and he wasn't as deep inside her as he was, but it was mind blowing. He turned her head and kissed her and she responded kissing back and lightly bouncing up and down his shaft. Danny rested a hand on her stomach and the other was wound into her hair. Meredith covered his hand on her stomach with her own, moaning deeply. Danny leant his forehead against hers, breathless.

"I love you." He breathed out in a moan. Meredith kissed him before nudging with her back, pushing him flat onto the bed. She grabbed his hands and seductively trailed them around the inside of her thighs. He caught on quickly and grabbed the undersides of both her thighs and lifted her up and down his cock, he slammed her down hard and fast while she leant back slightly toward him.

"Oh, oh, ohhhhh." She groaned out.

"Fuck." Danny cussed, as her pussy walls began contracting, signaling that she was close. He stopped lifting her; staying connected in her and turned her around on his cock so she was facing him. Meredith placed her hands on his muscled chest and slammed herself down on his cock again, her breasts bouncing. Dan reached down and began furiously rubbing her clit to expedite her impending orgasm.

"Ohhhh." She screamed, her head tilting back while she rode him. She angled her body back to hit a new angle, and fucked him furiously. "I'm so close." She yelled breathlessly. Dan grabbed her and pulled her forward, kissing her furiously as he thrust up as hard as he could. Meredith slammed herself down on his cock and rotated in a figure of eight motion while simultaneously rubbing her clit. "Ooohhh, fuck!" She screamed. Her walls clamped down on his cock and she came hard and fast. She was breathless. Dan flipped her over and slammed into her as she writhed under him.

"So close baby!" He moaned. He took in the sight before him, his wife never ceased to take his breath away. "You are so fucking beautiful!" He moaned as felt his balls tighten as he released his load inside her at the same time as his wife came for a second time. He leaned his forehead against hers as he caught his breath.

x x x

Derek knelt down behind Olivianna and pointed to the flower display in front of them.

"Which flowers do you think Mommy would like?" He asked, kissing the side of her cheek. Her face scrunched up, thinking very seriously about Derek's question before brightening.

"That one!" She said adamantly, pointing at a bouquet of pink, white and orange trumpet lilies.

"Ok then." Derek said as picked up the bouquet and brought it to the cashier. He had taken Liv out to buy Meredith chocolates, flowers and breakfast. As much as he wanted them to be from him, he _knew_ she was married and therefore unattainable. As much as he had hope for them, he wouldn't do a thing to make her betray her marriage vows, he wasn't that person. If there were a future for them both together, it would happen without any interference on his part.

So the flowers were just a friendly gesture, Liv wanted to make her mother feel better; she knew she was sad, so the gesture was really for his daughter.

Derek paid the cashier and took Liv's hand and walked to his car. He unlocked the car with his remote, deposited the flowers on the front seat and buckled Liv into her car seat he had recently purchased.

"Why lilies, sweetie?" Derek asked, his little girl was so adamant about the choice in the store, he figured she had a good reason, she may be just four but she was quite intuitive.

"Cause Mommy said she was going to call me Lily." She explained, nodding her head. Derek grinned at her and then shut the door, getting into the driver seat and starting the engine. He drove out of the parking lot and onto the highway toward Meredith's house.

"How do you know what lilies look like?" He asked, keeping his eyes carefully trained on the road.

"Mommy showed me them, she told me it was a flower. She said there were _all_ kinds of lilies and I liked trumpet ones best." She explained to Derek, swinging her legs in front of her. Derek chuckled as he turned into the driveway. He parked the car and got out and took Liv out of the car. He handed her the flowers and the chocolates, while he carried the breakfast muffins and coffee. Liv skipped to the front door, and waited for Derek to use the key to open the door. She was bouncing, _obviously_ excited to see her mother again and give her the flowers and chocolate to her. Derek chuckled and opened the door, she raced through.

"Mommy!" She called. Meredith descended the stairs with a smile on her face.

"Hey, sweet pea, what you got there." Meredith chortled as she knelt down and kissed her daughter.

"These are for _you_, Mommy." She said, grinning as she handed her the flowers and chocolate. Meredith smiled broadly; a tear glistened in her eye.

"Thank you sweetie, did you pick these out?" She asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Yes Mommy!" She enthused. "I wanted to cheer you up." She explained.

"Aww, well consider me _all_ cheered up. Did you have fun with Daddy?" She grinned, poking her in the chest. Liv nodded enthusiastically.

"Daddy took me to the park and to the zoo, and I saw big lions!" She squealed in delight.

"Wow, sounds like it was fun!" Meredith exclaimed. "Now, how bout you go upstairs and play with your dolls, while I talk to Daddy, ok." Meredith told her, giving her a tight hug and a kiss on her forehead.

"Ok." Olivianna agreed, and raced upstairs.

"Don't run!" Meredith scolded.

"Sorry Mommy!" Olivianna called from upstairs. Meredith smiled wryly to herself, shaking her head before getting up and smiling at Derek.

"How you holding up?" Derek asked, as they walked to the kitchen and he deposited the breakfast and coffee on the breakfast bar.

"Ok, I guess." She sighed. "I have a hangover, thank god for Advil." She groaned. Derek chuckled.

"It's nice to see you and Cristina have worked things out." Derek said, relieved for Meredith, she didn't need any more tension at the moment.

"Yeah. Actually, she told me something last night." She said, regarding Derek seriously.

"She told you about that, huh." He sighed, knowing exactly what she was referring to.

"Der, you two can't be fighting with one another. Liv see's Danny as her father also, and if she sees the two of you at odds…it's _not _good for her. So _whatever_ it is, you two have _got_ to get over it." She appealed to him. Derek nodded, a little ashamed at his behavior, Liv hadn't crossed his mind when he was fighting with Dan yesterday.

"I'm sorry, and you're right, we have to think about Liv in all this." Derek agreed, feeling like an idiot. Derek pulled out the breakfast muffins and handed one to her.

"Thanks." She smiled appreciatively. Both fell into a comfortable silence. "Yesterday, you said you weren't a fan of guns." Meredith mused. She could hear Derek let out a deep sigh of sadness.

"We were in the back of our father's store. My father had given my little sister Amy, two pennies. She was hiding them in this big crack in the floorboards, she told me she was saving them so she could buy a town. Two guys came into the store, they had already pulled the gun, they had already taken the money and now they wanted my father's watch, but he wouldn't give it up. My mother had saved up for it; it was a symbol of their life together, of how _much_ she loved him. We didn't take any notice until he yelled. The gun fired and my sister screamed. I remember holding onto her _so_ tightly, my hand over her mouth, trying to keep her quiet. Two guys shot my father for his watch, because he _wouldn't_ give it up. That's how my father died." Derek recounted nostalgically. Ancient grief marred his features. Meredith grasped his hand across the table and squeezed it apologetically.

"I'm _so_ sorry. How old were you." She murmured, feeling terrible for bringing it up.

"It's ok, you didn't know. I was eleven and Amy was five." He sighed, shaking off the grief, it was still crippling even to this day. Meredith didn't know what to say to him, she couldn't imagine witnessing something as _awful_ as that. They fell into silence.

"So, you were going to call her Lily." Derek stated to her, breaking the uncomfortable silence. Meredith swallowed, before answering.

"Yeah, but then she was born, and I knew she was an Olivianna." She shrugged. She had picked Lily out as soon as she knew she was having a girl, but it all changed when she was placed in her arms.

"Could I…could I see some photos?" Derek asked tentatively. He was instantly saddened as he thought of the early years of Olivia's life that he had missed out on.

"Yeah, I'll go get the albums." Meredith mumbled guiltily. She stood up and left the kitchen to grab the photo albums off the shelves in her office she shared with Danny. She came back and sat next to Derek, placing the first album in front of them. With shaky hands, he opened up the album entitled: 'Olivianna's First Years.' He was immediately overwhelmed with photos of Meredith's expanding stomach and ultrasound photos of the various stages of the pregnancy. Meredith turned her head sideways and watched the emotions befall Derek's face; she turned back and saw the pictures of Olivianna when she was born.

"She's _so_ beautiful." Derek breathed out, almost like he couldn't breathe. Unconsciously, Meredith leant her head on Derek's shoulder.

"I'm sorry." She murmured, as they continued to explore the photo album before it just became too much for the both of them. Derek closed the album gently, he was crying, it took a lot to make a grown man like Derek cry; _a lot_.

"_There comes a point in time, that the more you pretend, the harder it becomes to differentiate between the fantasy and the reality. Denial is more than just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean."_

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><p><em><strong><em>AN - A head on his shoulder! OMG I think I might actually faint. Ahh sweet freaking denial, it's beautiful ain't it?<em>**_

_**_Mel_**_


	8. Chapter Eight: Save Me, For I Am Falling

**_AN: If your a reader of Not A Day Too Soon, you'll know I've been really busy. If not...well I've been busy, uni has been really controlling and I can't write when I'm stressed, so I think it's better to just leave things be. I do appologise profusely though, you have all been so amazingly patient. So after alot of waiting here is Chapter Eight._**

**_PS I stole the voiceover and tacked on some stuff to it, all credits to Shonda and the writers of GA, it was so perfect I had to use it, if your wondering it's Mer's voiceover from 2x03._**

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><p><strong>Chapter Eight<br>**_Save Me, For I Am Falling_

_"Surgeons are control freaks. With a scalpel in your hand, you feel unstoppable. There's no fear, there's no pain. You're 10 feet tall and bulletproof. And then you leave the O.R. All that perfection, that beautiful control, just falls to crap. We don't like to admit it, causing admitting we are infallible is a whole lot like admitting failure."_

She stood there, staring blankly at the chart before her. She wasn't focused on it, as her thoughts were otherwise occupied. Something was different, ever since that afternoon two weeks ago, something was different for Meredith. This feeling that had consumed her, she couldn't understand it, _neither_ could she reconcile with it.

She jumped at the feel of a kiss to her cheek; she turned in shock, recognizing her husband immediately. Dan frowned a little at his wife's far-away state. She looked like she was a million miles away.

"Where are you?" Dan murmured, taking Meredith into his arms. Meredith turned and buried herself into his chest.

"Nowhere…I'm…I don't know." She sighed.

"Thinking about your Mom?" Dan pressed, wanting her to open up to him, he felt like she keeping her feelings from him that she was avoiding. He wanted to be the one she confided things to.

"No." She denied.

"Then what is it? You were a million miles away, you _still_ are a million miles away." He accused. Meredith was startled by his accusation and didn't quite know how to respond.

"I, uh…I." She began, speechless. The sound of her pager shrilled, interrupting and saving her from answering her husband's question. "I've got to go." She mumbled, dashing off and leaving a frustrated Dan behind.

x x x

The older woman sat pensively staring at the young doctor before her; she placed her notebook down on the coffee table in front of her and sighed.

"This is your third session, and you still haven't said anything yet. Now while I _love_ the quiet time..." Doctor Wyatt began, finally breaking the silence.

"I read a study that says just the act of going to therapy is beneficial even if you don't say anything, even if you just sit." Meredith responded, almost distractedly as she tapped her hand nervously against her lap, averting her gaze. Wyatt noted all these movements, studying her with a fine tooth comb.

"So you thought you'd just come here and sit? You _thought_ that would solve your problems?" Wyatt responded matter-of-factly.

"I don't have problems." Meredith snapped defensively. Wyatt raised an eyebrow at her seriously.

"So what brings you here?" She probed at her, willing for this obviously complex woman to finally give her _something_ more to go on.

Meredith sighed, staring at the fish tank, which held an assortment of colorful fish. She turned her head and faced Wyatt again.

"I just walked away." Meredith mused out loud. Wyatt leaned forward and studied Meredith curiously.

"You walked away from what or _who_?" She asked, trying to clarify Meredith's obtuse statement. But she didn't answer; she just turned and stared at the fish tank once more.

x x x

He was _angry_, seething rage as he sort out Derek. Finding him at the ER nurses station he strode over, not bothering about causing a scene.

"What did you say to my Wife!?" Dan demanded as soon as he was within earshot. Derek turned toward him, his eyebrows knitted into a frown.

"What?" Derek answered him, not understanding.

"You know I _thought_ moving to Seattle was the _right_ decision, so that Olivianna could get to know her biological father. But now…_now_, I'm starting to think that Olivianna _and_ Meredith would be better off _not_ being around you at _all_. Because up until six weeks ago we have had a _perfect_ marriage…a _perfect_ and happy family! But ever since Meredith has been back here I have never seen her in such agony, and every single time she has been crying, angry or despondent it has always been about _you_. And now…now for the last _two_ weeks she has been avoiding me and when we are at home she _barely_ speaks to me and when she does, the majority of the time she snaps at me, so what the hell did you do to her this time!?" Dan yelled venomously at Derek, hatred for the man dripping from his every word. His fists were curled into balls at his side; he wanted to so _badly_ just to punch him in the face.

Derek held his hands up in defense.

"I didn't _do_ anything to her!" Derek responded incredulously. Dan scoffed at him in disbelief.

"Well whatever you did or _didn't_ do has sent my Wife running to the hills, asshole!" He spat at Derek and walked forward, shoving Derek as he retreated. Derek leant against the nurse's station; unable to fathom what exactly had happened.

He finally snapped out of his thoughts and looked around to see a large crowd of Nurses, Residents and Attending's, which had stopped to witness his and Dan's heated exchange.

"Get back to work!" Derek shouted as he walked out of the ER. They all dispersed immediately, their heads down.

x x x

Meredith's day hadn't improved, she had no answers, and she felt like she was moving in slow motion and everyone one else around her was moving fast. She hugged the chart to her chest and sighed listlessly. She felt a tug to her arm, which jarred her out of her vacant thoughts.

"So, trouble in paradise?" Cristina asked, raising an eyebrow at her questioningly. Meredith continued to walk, not answering. "Mer?" Cristina asked, now concerned, her earlier smirk disappearing from her face as she reached out and stopped Meredith from walking.

"I'm fine." Meredith murmured, her omission pathetically feeble.

"Could've fooled me." Cristina deadpanned as she walked in front of her, hands on her arms crossed in front of her, scrutinizing her intensely.

"It's nothing." She shrugged. Cristina scoffed at her, disbelievingly.

"Oh, ok, _soooo_ your McHubby almost going all cage fighter on your McDreamy, that was just _my_ imagination?" Cristina responded disbelievingly, sarcasm dripping from her every word.

"He's not my…" She rolled her eyes before trailing off, a frown marring her features. "He what?" She asked her, she hadn't heard about that.

"Oh you didn't hear about that, yeah McGleamy kind of said to McDreamy that he regrets coming here because all he does is make you sad and then he was all like 'Mer so sad, she not talkin' to me' and he thinks McDreamy is the reason behind it." She rattled off quickly; Meredith didn't miss the mockery in her tone. "So?" Cristina prompted.

"So what?!" Meredith snapped at her. Cristina put her hands on her hips raising an eyebrow before a look of unrecognizable shock crossed her face.

"Oh…My…God, you slept with McDreamy, didn't you?!" She accused, shaking her head.

"No!" Meredith defended immediately; disgusted that Cristina would even _suggest_ such a ludicrous idea.

"Well _something_ is going on and in the mean time you might want to talk to your husband about curbing the floor show, half this hospital knows all about your business now." She sighed putting her hand on Meredith's shoulder. Meredith shrugged it off gently and continued to walk away, not saying a single word or even sparing a glance back

Cristina just stood there, stunned. Something was _very_ wrong. She just _knew_ it.

Meredith felt lost, confused…and now after Cristina's revelation about Dan's floorshow with Derek she was _angry_, seething angry. She made her way to the attending's lounge to change, taking a quick glance down at her phone she saw a message from Dan telling her that he had finished early and had taken Olivianna home. She threw it into her bag and grabbed her car keys.

She wanted to cry…the weight of the last two weeks just crushing her. She feelings coursing through her were just _so_ crippling. She needed answers, but she just had none.

She parked the car carefully in the garage. As she silenced the engine she took a deep shaky breath, warding off her threatening tears. She couldn't let Dan see her cry because that would just lead to _more_ questions that she just couldn't answer right now. She grabbed her bag and exited the car, locking it and entered the house.

Dan was seated on the lounge while Olivianna played quietly at his feat with her dolls. He looked up at her and offered her a small smile while Olivianna stood up and ran toward her.

"Mommy!" She squealed in delight. Meredith knelt down and caught her daughter kissing her forehead.

"Hey, baby girl." She murmured. "I'm very happy to see you." She said, cuddling her daughter, raking her fingers gently through her beautiful wavy hair. After a few moments she pulled back and held her at arms length, gauging her daughters attention. "Come on, it's time for a bath and then bed princess." Meredith murmured, picking her up.

"But I don't wanna go to sleep, Mommy!" Olivianna protested.

"Is that so, well when you're a big girl you can decide your own bed time, until then, it's bath and bed for you Madame." Meredith mildly chided her stubborn little girl.

"Ok." She sighed deeply. Meredith couldn't help but smile at her daughter's sense of imposition. Meredith carried Olivianna upstairs, _deliberately_ ignoring Dan, which didn't go unnoticed. He threw the paper he was reading to the side table, wanting to say something, but stopped himself before he could, thinking better of it, he didn't want to have _this_ conversation in front of their daughter.

He instead got up and poured himself a glass of bourbon. Sipping it slowly as he waited for Meredith to come back downstairs. He was _frustrated_. He didn't know what was going on, all of a sudden he felt like an outsider in his marriage, a mere spectator. Over the last couple of weeks he felt more and more like Meredith was slipping away from him. He _didn't_ recognize this Meredith.

The sound of the fridge opening jarred him from his thoughts; he hadn't heard Meredith slip into the kitchen. She grabbed out an apple and bit into it. Dan didn't dare look up from his bourbon, since he could feel her eyes boring into the back of his neck.

"What did you say to Derek?" She asked, her voice eerily quiet and even. It scared him a little. She sounded so…_detached_. He sighed deeply and slowly turned around to meet her furious gaze.

"You already know what I said, otherwise _you_ wouldn't be asking?" He responded just as calmly as her, effectively holding back his own raging anger. "What do you expect…hmm…you _don't_ talk to me!" He scoffed at her, slamming his tumbler down on the sink. "And _everything_ lately seems to be about _him_, so I go 'hey, go figure.'" He surmised, sarcastically.

"Derek has _nothing_ to do with this!" Meredith denied venomously.

"Bullshit, Meredith. He has _everything_ to do with whatever the _hell_ is going on with you!" He growled angrily at her.

"There's nothing going on, Danny!" Meredith denied smoothly.

"Really, so this whole ignoring me and snapping at for the last two weeks. That's just _nothing_." Dan scoffed, sarcastically.

"God am I _not_ allowed to be in a mood?" She said, rolling her eyes in response.

"Well that's _one_ hell of a mood and you're _not_ fooling me, Mer." Dan spat furiously. "What is going on?" He asked, accusation lacing his tone.

"Nothing is going on." Meredith denied as she looked at her feet.

"Well if there's _nothing_ going on, why can't you look me in the eye?" He murmured, hurt lacing his voice. Meredith looked up but she wouldn't meet his eye. The thought just hit him…it took his breath away. "Oh. My. God. You _slept_ with him!" He gasped out. A look of betrayal and hurt flashed across her face almost immediately. She slapped him across the face. Tears fell from her eyes as she turned on her heel and ran upstairs. Dan felt guilty immediately, cursing himself for even _thinking_ that his wife would do that to him. "Meredith!" Her called after her, pleadingly.

"Leave me alone!" She growled at him as she entered their bedroom and grabbed his pillows and threw them over the balcony to the living room below, she then tore the hallway linen cupboard open and pulled out a set of sheets and blankets and also through them over the balcony.

"Meredith, please!" Dan pleaded as he watched her tear back to their bedroom about to slam the door behind her, but she stopped, she didn't turn back toward him, she didn't want to _look_ at him right now.

"How could you _say_ that? How could you _think_ that?" She choked out; his words had cut her deeply. "Do you not _trust_ me at all!?" She sniffled as she turned around. He felt his heart clench at the site before him, her eyes were watering, tears sliding down her cheeks.

"I-I…I wasn't _thinking_. I just see red whenever Derek is brought up!" He stuttered. Even he couldn't believe what he said. Meredith shook her head sadly, her breathing shaky. She wasn't buying his apology

"If you trusted me, you would have never gone there. If you _loved_ me…" She broke off, words beginning to fail her. She slammed their bedroom door in his face and leant up against the door, sobs wracking her body as she slid to the floor.

"I _do_ love you and I _do_ trust you. Its _him_ I don't trust!" Dan yelled through the door in exasperation. He waited for her to respond, but he got none and dejectedly he walked down the hall to check on Olivianna, who thankfully was still fast asleep.

Dan knew he screwed up. He had screwed up _bad_. Now he had to accept that he was sleeping on the couch until his wife decided to forgive him. If she _ever_ forgives him, that is.

He threw himself on the couch and put his head in his hands.

"I am such an asshole." He murmured in despair.

x x x

Meredith lay on her side of the bed, her eyes puffy from crying all night. For the last hour she had been watching her digital clock tick closer and closer to four AM. She didn't have to be in till eight but she wanted avoid Dan. She pulled herself out of bed at three-ten and threw clothes and make-up on. She crept silently down the hall and woke Olivianna, who rubbed her sweet little eyes and got out of bed, still half-asleep. Meredith dressed her and got her day-care backpack ready. She then picked her up and kissed her forehead gently.

"Come on sweetie, you can sleep some more at the hospital." Meredith murmured soothingly to her. Olivianna curled up into the crook of her mother's neck and closed her eyes.

Meredith silently crept downstairs, picked up her keys from the side table quietly walked passed a sleeping Dan and into the garage. She strapped Olivianna in and then got into the drivers seat, hitting the button to open the garage and starting the engine and quickly backing out as soon as she was able to, she knew by this point she would have woken Dan. She closed the garage door and backed out of their driveway and sped through the quiet streets of Seattle towards the hospital.

It wasn't until she was halfway there had she realized what she had done. She had avoided, she had been avoiding for the last two weeks. It was like she had swallowed a cold ice cube whole at the thought. She didn't avoid anymore, the new Meredith _doesn't_ avoid, just a few months ago she wouldn't have felt the need to sneak out at four AM in the morning and here she was doing just that.

She shook the feeling off, taking in a deep breath.

"It doesn't mean anything, things are just a little complicated right now." She murmured to herself as she parked the car. She got out and unbuckled her sleeping daughter and picking her up, she slung her backpack over her other shoulder, closed the door and locked the car. She walked quickly into the hospital, Liv wasn't all that light anymore, the thought clenched her heart, her baby was growing up.

Meredith hit the up arrow on the lobby elevator and the doors opened to reveal a very tired looking Derek. _'Of course.'_ She thought. Derek was the _last_ person she needed to run into. Derek glanced up and it was like he was injected with caffeine. He brightened up almost immediately as he walked forward and rubbed Liv's back gently. Derek held his arms out silently and Meredith handed her to him, a little gratefully, her arms were beginning to hurt. Derek rocked his daughter and kissed her brown locks of hair that Meredith had styled into a half up, half down hairstyle.

"Are you ok?" Derek murmured. Noticing the dark circles under Meredith's eyes. He could see there was a lot of truth in Dan's blow out over Meredith's behaviour recently.

"I'm fine." She murmured, unconvincingly. "I'm sorry Dan blew up at you, he had _no_ right to do that." She apologized to him. She wasn't lying _none_ of what was going on had _anything_ to do with him.

"You know you can talk to me, right?" Derek reminded her, rubbing a hand on her shoulder.

"I know and thank you, but I'll be fine." She offered him a ghost of a smile.

"You're not _fine_, Mer. But I won't push; just know I'll always be here for you. I will _always_ love you. Married or not, that will _never_ change." Derek promised her and she didn't know what to say. What could she say to a man who loved despite the fact she was married; how could she respond to that.

So she didn't and stared back ahead, watching the elevators open to the fourth floor. They both stepped out, silently walking side by side.

Derek wasn't offended that she didn't respond, after all he understood it better than anyone for five years ago it was _he_ who was in her position and her in _his._

Meredith poured herself a cup of steaming coffee and one for Derek, she couldn't talk to Derek about what was _really_ going on, but she felt the urge to divulge something.

"Dan accused me of sleeping with you last night." She murmured sadly.

"Oh." Was all Derek could manage.

"How…how could he _think_ that?" She cried, fresh tears forming in her eyes. Derek laid Olivianna on the couch opposite the couch Meredith was sitting on, he gathered her into her arms and she cried into the crook of his neck. He didn't know what to say to that, but he understood it, Addison had _accused_ him of the _very_ same thing five years ago, just before Meredith had left. He rubbed her back soothingly and let her cry it out until she fell asleep.

Derek knew that if anyone walked in this could be misinterpreted, and he didn't want to bring more trouble down on Meredith. So he paged Mark who promptly arrived five minutes later, a sly grin forming on his face as he took in the scene before him. Derek just rolled his eyes. Derek picked Meredith up bridal style.

"Can you pick up my daughter, I'm going to take them to her office. She doesn't need some asshole spreading the wrong kind of rumors, she's got enough happening at the moment." Derek explained.

"What's going on?" Mark asked, a frown crossing his features.

"Dan accused her of sleeping with me." Mark connected the dots immediately and picked up Olivianna.

x x x

Meredith woke with a start, not quite comprehending her surroundings, and then she realized she was in her office on her couch. She couldn't see Olivianna and panicked abruptly sitting up.

"It's ok, she's here." A voice spoke from behind her and she turned to see her daughter bouncing in Mark Sloan's lap.

"Derek was paged, he asked me to watch her while you slept." Mark explained. Olivianna was drawing with her crayons as Meredith stood up and stretched. She glanced down at her watch, it was 7:45 AM, relieved she hadn't slept through the start of your shift.

"Thanks." She thanked Mark. Mark just nodded. "Has Dan…?" She began to ask.

"He tried, but I told him you didn't want to talk to him right now." Mark assured her.

"Thank you." She was grateful, despite the fact she normally wouldn't avoid, she had rationalized now that it was ok to avoid, he had hurt her and she wasn't quite ready to forgive him just yet.

x x x

Derek was paged for an emergent blunt trauma. The patient sustained a severe brain hemorrhage from her husband who had beaten her over the head with a rolling pin. Derek could never quite fathom how _anyone_ could do that to _anyone_. In conjunction with the bleed, the patient had sustained severe crush injuries to the chest, since hitting his wife wasn't enough he had to jump on her as well. So Dan was joining him in the OR. He had tried to page Altman but she was already in surgery.

Despite his adversity to violence he kind of felt punching Dan out, which made him feel like a bit of a hypocrite right now.

Dan walked into the scrub room and halted at the sight of Derek's accusing eyes. Dan held up his hands guiltily.

"You don't need to say it Shepherd, nobody can possibly hate me as much as _I_ hate myself right now." Dan said to him, guilt lacing his every word.

"Good." Derek affirmed as he backed into the OR. It was going to be a _long_ surgery. Both men knew it.

x x x

Meredith sat on Dr Wyatt's couch, she stared at the fish tank, watching as the fish swam around. She still had no answers; nothing made any sense anymore. She felt a tear fall down her face at the thought. She wiped it away hastily and turned to Wyatt. She _needed_ answers and she hoped that she had them for her. She took in a sharp breath and released it shakily.

"I want to _want_ to have this baby."

_"Nobody likes to lose control, but as a surgeon there's nothing worse. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning, when you realize your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell. Except there's an upside to the free fall. It's the chance, if you allow it, for someone to catch you."_

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Don't kill me! I promise this isn't pushing a further wedge between MerDer and their inevitable reunion. HINT: If you know alot about pregnancies, I think you might be able to figure out where this will go (and no I'm not talking abortion, Mer couldn't do that the first time so there's no way she could do it this time). As for the big picture, dark times are ahead for Mer, we have to go through the dark in order to get to the light and this chapter is the beginning of the catalyst.<strong>_


	9. Chapter Nine: The Truth of The Matter

_**AN: It certainly has been a long time. Truthfully I had just alot of stuff going on and I just don't write anything great when I am not focused. Since this has been awhile I really hope the chapter is ok because leaving a work for a long time you can sometimes lose the flow so I hope I haven't.**_

_**I do intend on finishing my other works as well, but with my job being very demanding and with the fansites I run I think its best I leave my other two stories on hold and focus on finishing this one first. When I finish off this story I will be going back to Not A Day Too Soon.**_

_**Anyway, I apologise to those who have been waiting for a new chapter, I will do my best to keep the updates as regular as possible. I hope you all ejoy the chapter. Admitted;y I had alot of trouble writing the voice overs for this one, so hope they are ok.  
><strong>_

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><p><strong>Chapter Nine<br>**_The Truth of The Matter_

"_They say that the truth shall set you free, but those people lied. No the truth only sets free all the unwanted baggage in your life. It's like every time you took a trip and never unpacked…that's a lot of baggage, who wants to wade through all that?" _

Meredith stared at the fish tank after her huge revelation; it was almost like it was a relief that she had _finally_ said it. Her shoulders sagged, letting all the built up tension leave her.

Doctor Wyatt rubbed her thumb against her bottom lip, the cogs in her intelligent brain were churning as she began to try and put this complex puzzle together that was Meredith Grey.

"You don't want a baby?" Wyatt asked her, trying to gauge her _exact_ feelings on the matter.

"No, six months ago we had talked about it…I was _excited_ about the _prospect_ of another baby." She shook her head and wrung her hands. Wyatt realized that Meredith really _believed_ she didn't know what was going on, but her instincts told her that she really did know, she just was burying it under huge pile of denial.

"What significant changes in your life have happened since you both decided you would try for another baby?" Doctor Wyatt asked, she knew that in order for Meredith to work through her issues she had to arrive to the conclusions herself.

"Well, we moved to Seattle. It's my first time being back here in five years." Meredith began tentatively. "My daughter who is four, turning five this year, isn't biologically my husband's and she met her father for the first time. Derek, Doctor Shepherd, her father…he didn't know about her at all." She continued, staring down at her hands as she continued to wring them.

"And I would imagine that would have brought up some conflict between the two of you." Wyatt surmised, making a note in her notebook.

"Yes, at first, it's still not easy but we are definitely getting there." Meredith agreed quietly.

"Tell me about your relationship with Derek." Wyatt asked, leaning back in her chair.

"Well as I said we are getting there, we-" Wyatt leaned forward; resting her elbows in her lap and cut her off.

"No I'm not asking about the present, I'm talking about the past." She clarified. Meredith nodded in understanding and sighed deeply.

"I met Derek the night before the start of my internship here. We met at Joe's and we had a one-night stand. I kicked him out in the morning and went to work." She began to account nostalgically.

"And at this point you didn't know he would be your boss, correct?" Wyatt ascertained.

"No, I found out when I was assigned to one of his cases. He pursued me relentlessly, and I wouldn't go out with him…I mean it was bad enough I was Ellis Grey's daughter, royally inbred, I didn't need to be _that_ intern, you know the one everything _thinks_ is screwing the attending in order to get ahead. But eventually I caved, _surprisingly_." A small smiled graced Meredith's mouth, one that didn't go unnoticed by Wyatt.

"Why surprisingly?" Doctor Wyatt pressed on.

"I didn't _do_ relationships. I did lots of one-night stands, but _never_ relationships. My whole life I had convinced myself that because of my parents, these things rarely work, and I _didn't_ want to _ever_ hurt the way my mother did." Meredith explained, her breathing hitched as she talked a little about her childhood, it brought up a lot of memories she wished she could forget.

"So your childhood was difficult, I'm assuming your father left?" She surmised almost immediately.

"Yes, he left when I was five, I _barely_ remember him." She responded bitterly, Wyatt noted down her reaction to her father.

"But yet you dated Derek, so _something_ was different for you." Doctor Wyatt nodded more to herself than anyone else.

"Yes, I don't know what it was, but _he_ was different…I mean don't get me wrong, I didn't trust him, but I took a risk. Eventually I asked for more details and he gave them and said that the rest I'd just have to take on faith, and _foolishly_ I did. Shortly his wife, Addison showed up, _all_ leggy and fabulous. It was over; I _refused_ to be the other woman. But I soon realized I was in love with him so I asked him…it was embarrassing, I was begging. I told him to 'pick me, choose me, love me.' But he didn't he chose her instead." Meredith explained, as she got further into the story she could feel her throat becoming thick with emotion, it still hurt even after all this time…it still _hurt_. She says to herself, however, that it would always hurt, but she has still moved on from it.

Or so she believes and Wyatt was starting to see what she couldn't or perhaps what she _wouldn't_ see.

Meredith laughed darkly, in an almost ironic fashion. Wyatt raised an eyebrow at her, intrigued.

"What's so funny?" She asks Meredith.

"I was more shocked that I _was_ shocked that it ended badly." She snorts at the irony.

"Because your whole life you had convinced yourself that _this_ is what happens." Wyatt finishes for her. Meredith merely nods. "What I find most interesting is that you didn't revert back to the one-night-stands, Derek choosing Addison would have been proof enough to you that relationships _don't_ work. But yet you didn't, in fact you got married." Wyatt mused. She was really beginning to understand this enigma before her, but she needed Meredith to come to the answers herself. She _had_ to get her to think, to muse, to question…to open her eyes.

"Being with Derek, despite how it turned out, made me realize I wanted that, I wanted to be in love and have someone love _me_. Being pregnant also made me realize I didn't want my baby to have the childhood I had. So when I met Daniel, well he's my happy ending." She responded, staring at the fish tank, watching the fish swim slowly back and forth, not a care in the world.

"Look." Wyatt sighed deeply. "I'm just going to come out and say this because your insurance only covers ten sessions. Did you marry your husband because you _love_ him or because you are _so_ afraid of being alone?" She was blunt her blue eyes penetrating her.

"Because I _love_ him!" Meredith defended immediately; disgusted that she would even _dare_ to ask her such a question.

"But he's not Derek." Wyatt pointed out.

"Well of course not. They are two _completely_ different people." Meredith scoffed, missing the point entirely.

"But he's _not_ Derek!" She said it again enunciating her words.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Meredith responded exasperatedly.

"Because until you realize that _we_ are not going to get anywhere." Wyatt deadpanned, crossing her arms in front of her.

x x x

Lexie had been avoiding Meredith since she had started working at Seattle Grace. She had known for years about her half-sister but considering her estrangement from their father she had never quiet fathomed that she would ever meet her in person. So the day Dr. Webber had announced her employment at the hospital she wasn't quite sure how to react. She formed all sorts of questions in head, like 'Does she know about us,' and 'Does she even _want_ to know us?' Giving the personal situation she was currently in, Lexie had wisely chosen to steer clear. But she just couldn't anymore; she really wanted to know her sister. So she took a deep breath and walked up to her as she was charting at the nurses station.

"Hi." Lexie weakly said. Her nerves apparent in her wavering voice. Meredith didn't look away from her charts to acknowledge Lexie's presence.

"Yes." Meredith questioned, coldness and irritation marred her voice she could see light-blue scrubs in the corner of her vision which indicated she was a resident, a resident that was already irritating her by her mere presence.

"Look, I wasn't sure how to do this, and I have waited for weeks, I wanted to be respectful." Lexie rambled, talking with her hands. Meredith turned to face her, deciding to humor the bumbling resident. "I don't know if you know about me or _even_ care, but we are sisters-"

"Excuse me!" Meredith interrupted, her eyes boring into hers.

"I…I said we have the same father, Thatcher Grey-" Meredith closed her eyes and put her hand up to stop her. She sighed deeply; just wishing her parents dirty sins wouldn't constantly appear in her life.

"I heard you the first time, and you're right, I didn't know. But even if you are right, lets get something straight right off the bat. _We,"_ Meredith gestured back in forth between them. "Might share the same father, but we do _not_ have the same father. The father I knew abandoned my mother and I when I was little and obviously," she said, her eyes narrowing "Went off and created another family and _never_ looked back and for that I cannot even dignify the man as a human being." Meredith spoke evenly, her words becoming colder and more scathing as she spoke.

"Dad, has a side in this you don't know." Lexie immediately defended.

"Oh really, well _maybe_, Thatcher should grow a pair and tell me that fascinating story himself instead of _you_ doing his dirty work." She spoke with complete contempt for the man who supposedly helped give Meredith life.

"I just-" Lexie stammered.

"You just what? You expected to just waltz in here, declare me as your sister and everything would be just be _peachy_?" Meredith admonished her. "You should have stuck with your guns sweetie, you were right the first time, I _don't_ care." She stated matter-of-factly_._

"But we _are_ related surely that means something?" Lexie asked. This was not quite that way she thought this conversation would go; she had expected a little coldness but not this downright hostility.

"No, _you_ are just the good little girl that Daddy _didn't_ abandon." Meredith hissed as she grabbed her charts and made a hasty exit.

Meredith rounded the corner, fuming at this new piece of _unwanted_ news of her families past. She didn't need _her_ and she sure as hell didn't need _him_. Not paying attention, as she was absorbed in her rage she almost walked straight into Doctor Wyatt who had witnessed the entire exchange.

"How does 2 o'clock work for you?" Doctor Wyatt states, with an eyebrow raised, almost as if she was daring Meredith to try and object.

"Yeah…ok." Meredith agreed, grudgingly.

x x x

Dan sat alone at his table in the bustling cafeteria. His food laid untouched before him and his expression was blank. He was in deep thought; truthfully things hadn't got better between Meredith and himself. She had forgiven him for accusing her that she had an affair with Derek but she was still distant, closed off and often at times cooler toward him.

He felt the table rattle beneath him and looked up to the scathing eyes of Cristina who was leaning toward him, her hands flat on the table.

"Mer talking to you yet?" She asked point blank. In the short time Dan had gotten to known Cristina, he had learned she was direct and didn't mess around when it came to Meredith.

"No, not yet. I was so stupid to accuse her of having an affair." Dan berated himself.

"Yes, you were." She nonchalantly agreed.

"But this is the thing, she says it's not her mom and she's definitely not having an affair so what is it?" He asked her, frustrated at his inability to put his finger on his on wife's issues.

"You're asking me?" Cristina responded, a little taken aback. Meredith hadn't confided in her so she at least though her own husband would know.

"Yes, I am asking _you_. You two are like attached at the hip, has she said anything to you." He asked, pushing his untouched food away from him.

"I don't know, she hasn't told me. Look she'll open up when she's ready, just don't push it or you'll just push her away." Cristina offered before dumping her left over food in the trash.

Dan ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, resting his face in his hands, he was weary and tired and he felt like he was already losing his wife, which was crazy because he wasn't losing her to Derek and the alternative to that just frightened him.

x x x

Doctor Wyatt tapped her pen on her notebook as Meredith sat down on the couch across from her. She studied Meredith before beginning their session, hoping to ascertain he emotional level at this given point of time.

"So, you have a sister-"

"If you finish that sentence with 'and how does that make you feel,' I will punch you right in the face." Meredith snapped, cutting Wyatt off.

"Ok, so lets talk about your father than." Wyatt continued, ignoring Meredith's outburst and taking the conversation in a different direction.

"What about my father." Meredith responded, impatient with her prying answers, which often felt like she was insinuating something about her.

"You said he left you when you were a child when you were talking to your sister, have you wondered if there was a different side to the story that your mother didn't tell you?" Wyatt questioned, this was a topic that would be the key to opening up the rest of the pandora's box.

"She's not my sister and he abandoned me, what's left to ponder." Meredith responded, sarcasm and irritation dripped from her worlds.

"Yes, but do _you_ believe that or is that simply what your mother told you?" It was an observation she had made about Meredith, she was so quick to believe her mother, and despite everything to the contrary this is the one thing she had chosen to take at face value.

"What's the difference, he was there and then he wasn't." Meredith stated matter-of-factly, wishing Wyatt would just get off the subject.

"The difference is that it matters to _you_ whether you want to admit it or not." Wyatt sliced right to the core of the matter. Meredith didn't respond, she stared down at her feet. "Tell me about the time he left?" She gently prodded. Meredith looked up, her eyes glistening a little by tears being kept at bay.

"I don't remember much from that time, only that he left. It's taken me years to make sense of it…My mother was having an affair with one of her colleagues, I didn't know that at the time of course, I found out a few years ago." Meredith recounted, frowning as she tried to recall the time when she was only a small child, but it was a blur.

"So your father found out and left your mother." Wyatt surmised.

Meredith shook her head. "No, my mother left my father, she was in love with the man she was sleeping with." She responded, crossing her legs up yoga-style on the couch. There was a long silence and then she continued. "Dad knew, my mother wasn't even bothering to hide it, he stayed for me." Meredith explained.

"So if he stayed for you, why can't you consider the possibility that there's a different side to the story?" Wyatt asked, it was a futile question and she knew it, Meredith wouldn't be able to find a valid reason and that was what she was counting on.

"I-I…he left me!" She puttered, reacting in the exact fashion Wyatt had expected from her.

"Isn't it possible your mother kept him from you," Meredith tried to interrupt but Wyatt put her hand up to stop her and continued. "Your mother seemed to be a headstrong woman, and sounds a lot like if she wanted things one way, they _were_ that way and I know that because you posses many of the same characteristics. You are stubborn and headstrong and _want_ to believe your father is to blame because it's easier than facing up to the truth, just like it's easier to believe you left Seattle and got better for your daughter than to face up to the truth that you were just running away and until you face up to the truth you will remain right where you are, uncertain, confused and not knowing how you feel about your baby." Wyatt snapped her notebook closed, waiting for Meredith to react, but she didn't, she was detached, cold and she simply stood up and walked out of Wyatt's office.

Meredith wasn't angry, quite to the contrary, all she felt was numbness. It was like she wasn't part of her body, like she was stationary and the world was moving at full speed around her as she slowly walked to the elevator. She had hoped for peace, she had hoped to be able to collect her thoughts, but she was sorely disappointed as the elevator doors opened and there stood her husband.

"Mer." Dan whispered in greeting. "What are you doing on the Psych floor?" He asked a little confused. She wasn't there for herself because he knew his wife despised anyone who prods into her feelings.

"Consult." Meredith replied simply as she pushed the button for the third floor and turner her back to her husband.

"Right…Is everything ok?" He asked, she was still cold toward him and it left him feeling unsettled.

"Everything's fine, why." Meredith responded, shortly.

"You're still mad aren't you?" Dan signed, realization kicking in.

"No…I said I forgave you didn't?" She turned, her stare questioning.

"Yes, but if that isn't it then what is it?" He questioned, completely ignoring Cristina's earlier advice to him but Dan was just so frustrated he couldn't help himself.

"Oh for god sake, can I get a moment of peace!?" She raised her hands in exasperation as she slapped them down to her sides.

"Mer?" Dan questioned, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm pregnant." She snapped. When she realized what she said she took in a harsh breath. She wasn't ready to tell him, because she didn't know how she felt or where she stood.

"You're pregnant," Dan responded, dumbfounded. As realization finally set in he slowly began to smile. He pulled his wife into his arms and at least for Dan he felt like he had it all figured out. "We've been trying…but wow, god baby I am so happy. So this has been the hormones aye?" Dan jested, kissing her forehead and embraced her again, rocking her from side to side.

"Hormones…right" She whispered, her less than enthused response was missed by her husband who was so caught up in his own joy to notice. She wanted to be happy to…but somehow, she just didn't know if she could. Meredith pulled away as the elevator chimed at its arrival to the third floor. Dan walked out, but Meredith stayed rooted to the spot. "Aren't you coming?" He questioned.

"I…Uh left some paperwork upstairs." She mumbled her excuse.

"Ah, Mommy brain already." Dan surmised. Meredith forced a half-hearted smile as the elevator doors closed. She pushed the button for the fourth floor again. It was almost instantaneous, one minute she was numb and the next she was enraged.

"Psych. Is. Crap" She growled through gritted teeth. The elevator chimed and she tore out of it like a bat on her heels. All she could think was that it was a mistake as she strode though the door of Doctor Wyatt's office. It wasn't just a mistake it was,a _huge_, colossal, gigantic mistake to go to therapy.

Wyatt had barely any time to react, Meredith stared her down, her blue-green eyes radiating her steadfastness.

"I came here to say that I'm through with therapy…so I'm firing you." She said and turned to leave without looking at the doctor.

"We had our first honest conversation about your feelings, and now you want to leave. That timing doesn't strike you as strange?" Wyatt questioned, raising her eyebrow at the stubborn doctor.

Meredith turned around, hand on her hip in protest.

"No, and I'm still firing you." She growled, stubbornly.

"No, _you're_ quitting. Just like you did when you ran away five years ago." Wyatt responded matter-of-factly.

"I wanted to be a better mother and in order to do that I had to face my demons and better myself." Meredith denied. She didn't make eye contact with Wyatt as she spoke; instead distractedly she played with her watch, wringing it around her wrist. She finally looked up, and saw that Wyatt was eyeing her with a dubious expression. "I _wasn't_ running." She denied again in her defense.

"So you left Seattle _because_ you were pregnant and rather than confronting Derek, you ran." Wyatt stated.

"Ok, stop right there. If _you're_ accusing me of leaving because I _knew_ was going to keep the baby, then you are _wrong_. I was having an abortion…"

"So you left because life got tough, and rather than confront your feelings and face them head on, you got scared and you bolted." Wyatt mused, cutting Meredith off.

"No…that's not what happened!" Meredith responded, her voice cracking as if _somewhere_ in her subconscious mind, she didn't believe her own words.

"So you couldn't go through with the abortion, and I assume this is where you made the choice to 'confront your demons, to be a better mother,' and while I think that is true, lets be honest, you also _saw_ an opportunity to run and you took it, no questions asked! With all due respect Doctor Grey, if you had gotten better, you wouldn't be here right now." Doctor Wyatt sat back, waiting for another blatant denial to come out of the petite surgeons mouth.

"I couldn't have stayed, it would have been torture and it would have been messy-"

"Life is messy! That doesn't mean you quit!" She cut Meredith off, snapping her notebook closed and tossing it on the coffee table before her.

"I'm not quitting, I _don't_ quit." Meredith denied, growing angrily at Doctor Wyatt.

"Actually you do and it's really no surprise because your mother quit your father and then your father quit _you_. As a result you quit your life here five years ago, then shortly after quit a potential life with Derek when you opted against the abortion and now you're about to quit again. _You're_ a quitter, Meredith, because that's all you know how to do." Wyatt accused the young woman, laying it all out in front of her. Meredith stood up furiously.

"Now you are _really_ fired!" She growled, tearing out of the room and slamming the door in sheer anger.

"_I think the only way to be set free from the truth and all the baggage that comes with it is to accept that the truth, as we call it, looks different on everyone. As they say there are two sides to every story and often time's two truths. Accepting the truth means accepting how the truth looks on you and your life."_


End file.
